So, I've been reading a lot of posts about Valentine's Day and love lately, and I thought that I might as well put my two cents out there as well.
What is love--true love?
I had the unusual opportunity today to contemplate deep questions about love while I watched a documentary about the "Half Ton Killer,"* Mayra Rosales (although I'm really not at all sure why I was doing that in the first place). This woman was bedridden because of her obesity, and if her skin wasn't washed every day, it was very susceptible to infection. So, her husband spent a good deal of time every day washing her body, making sure to get in between each and every roll, and changing her bed pads when she had to relieve herself. Now that's true love.
Isn't it?
Maybe it isn't. You see, as much love and dedication it took for her husband to stay with her for all those years, he was partially responsible for the situation. She was completely dependent on him--which meant that at any point he could have changed her diet and she would have had no say in it. Yes, it would have been hard for both of them. He wanted her to be happy, and there's no doubt that she would be upset at the change (especially if he was forcing it on her), but letting her kill herself slowly was not the way to make her happy. If this man truly loved his wife, he would have taken the hard road. He would have made her make positive changes in her life.
So, sometimes love sucks. Isn't that what the songs all say? It's just that sometimes it sucks even when it's not due to a breakup.
I have loved a lot of people in my life, but I have only ever been in love once. It's a confusing emotion, especially after the relationship ends. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love--that way I wouldn't have to feel this pain. That's reserved for really bad days. I wouldn't change my time with Russell for anything. Besides, I brought this pain to end all pains upon myself.
I wonder how different things would be if I had had the courage to marry Russell despite my family's reservations. I certainly feel I would have the courage now, but although I might finally have learned to love unconditionally, that wouldn't do anything to change my family's mind. So even if I offered all I could of myself, would that be enough? You shouldn't have to marry into a family who doesn't like you. Yes, they would have to accept it (and I'm sure after they spent time with him they would love him), but there would always be that small amount of animosity there, tainting their relationship. I want Russell to have the best, and that means considering the possibility that I might not be it.
And yet, I try to have it both ways. Russell told me once that he would always love me, no matter what. There is nothing I crave more than his love, and I know that even if we aren't together right now, he does still care about me. But when I try to force myself into his life too much, I'm sure it's just hurting us both more. I was listening to some Jimmy Eat World today, and a line caught my attention:
If you love me at all, don't call.
That seems pretty odd, right? Especially since the line before says, "If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now." I think it shows how confusing love is. It also shows how if you truly love someone, you will do everything in your power to keep them from hurting. It's like Kelly Clarkson said:
You know that I love you, so I love you enough to let you go.
Then, does that mean that the "love" I have isn't really love at all?
If the above is true, then I should stop all contact with Russell, right? By trying to continue a relationship with him in any way, I am being like Mayra's husband--I'm taking the "easy" way out. I am being selfish and that's not what he deserves.
I try to stop thinking about Russell, try to consider letting myself forget about how wonderful of a person he is and how amazing our time together was. But it sucks. I feel empty, my heart hurts, and I feel as though I have a never-ending supply of tears. I tell myself that there's no way anyone on earth could love another person as much as I love Russell, because I don't know how anyone can handle this constant gripping pain. But then I listen to another love song, and I realize I'm not alone. Thanks again, Jimmy Eat World.
It just takes some time. Little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine; everything will be all right.
It makes me feel like I might get through life somehow. But then I realize--I don't want "all right." I don't just want to "get through life." Life is meant to be lived happily, cherished. I know that happiness is a choice and I can be happy single just as much as I can be happy in a relationship, but my relationship with Russell was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I've tasted extraordinary before, and it is want I want for the rest of my life. I can't settle for less. Love truly is the reason we keep living, even when things are awful and you want to give up.
So yes, while I want Russell to be happy, I wonder if it wouldn't be ten million times better if he was happy with me instead of with someone else. I used to make him happy. But I've hurt him. A lot. Sometimes I forget while I wallow in my own pain that I have caused him just as much pain (if not more) as I am feeling every day. Would trying to win him back be the best thing for him? He deserves the best, and I'm afraid that I might not be that, no matter how hard I try.
But that fact is much too hard to swallow right now. When I see posts on Facebook where he's hanging out with other girls, I get insanely jealous. And that's just hanging out. If Russell were to get engaged to someone else, I'm not sure how I would handle it. But if that's what he chooses to do, I guess I'm just going to have to accept it, no matter how hard it will be. I can't make his decisions for him, and if he thinks that's what's going to make him happiest, then I will let him do it. Because I love him. I always will.
Perhaps time will help me to sort things out. In the meantime...
My Valentine's Plans
I plan to spend most of Valentine's Day in my bed, eating chocolate and watching movies with Nikki. It will be the first Valentine's Day in a long time that I've spent with family. I have decided not to care that I will not be receiving any special gifts from the opposite sex this year. Maybe it's time to just treat myself a little. I think we all deserve that every once in a while.
I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
*In case any of you are interested, here's the short story: Mayra admitted (falsely) to killing her two-year-old nephew, by accidentally falling on him while she reached off her bed to pick him up, in order to cover for her sister, who was abusing the child. As a result of special accommodations for court proceedings and such, she started to see doctors and eventually got her weight back down to 200 lbs (from 1037).
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