Jumping on the Valentine Bandwagon

So, I've been reading a lot of posts about Valentine's Day and love lately, and I thought that I might as well put my two cents out there as well.

 

What is love--true love?

I had the unusual opportunity today to contemplate deep questions about love while I watched a documentary about the "Half Ton Killer,"* Mayra Rosales (although I'm really not at all sure why I was doing that in the first place). This woman was bedridden because of her obesity, and if her skin wasn't washed every day, it was very susceptible to infection. So, her husband spent a good deal of time every day washing her body, making sure to get in between each and every roll, and changing her bed pads when she had to relieve herself. Now that's true love.

Isn't it?

Maybe it isn't. You see, as much love and dedication it took for her husband to stay with her for all those years, he was partially responsible for the situation. She was completely dependent on him--which meant that at any point he could have changed her diet and she would have had no say in it. Yes, it would have been hard for both of them. He wanted her to be happy, and there's no doubt that she would be upset at the change (especially if he was forcing it on her), but letting her kill herself slowly was not the way to make her happy. If this man truly loved his wife, he would have taken the hard road. He would have made her make positive changes in her life.

So, sometimes love sucks. Isn't that what the songs all say? It's just that sometimes it sucks even when it's not due to a breakup.

I have loved a lot of people in my life, but I have only ever been in love once. It's a confusing emotion, especially after the relationship ends. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love--that way I wouldn't have to feel this pain. That's reserved for really bad days. I wouldn't change my time with Russell for anything. Besides, I brought this pain to end all pains upon myself.

I wonder how different things would be if I had had the courage to marry Russell despite my family's reservations. I certainly feel I would have the courage now, but although I might finally have learned to love unconditionally, that wouldn't do anything to change my family's mind. So even if I offered all I could of myself, would that be enough? You shouldn't have to marry into a family who doesn't like you. Yes, they would have to accept it (and I'm sure after they spent time with him they would love him), but there would always be that small amount of animosity there, tainting their relationship. I want Russell to have the best, and that means considering the possibility that I might not be it.

And yet, I try to have it both ways. Russell told me once that he would always love me, no matter what. There is nothing I crave more than his love, and I know that even if we aren't together right now, he does still care about me. But when I try to force myself into his life too much, I'm sure it's just hurting us both more. I was listening to some Jimmy Eat World today, and a line caught my attention:

If you love me at all, don't call.

That seems pretty odd, right? Especially since the line before says, "If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now." I think it shows how confusing love is. It also shows how if you truly love someone, you will do everything in your power to keep them from hurting. It's like Kelly Clarkson said:

You know that I love you, so I love you enough to let you go.

 

Then, does that mean that the "love" I have isn't really love at all?

 If the above is true, then I should stop all contact with Russell, right? By trying to continue a relationship with him in any way, I am being like Mayra's husband--I'm taking the "easy" way out. I am being selfish and that's not what he deserves.

I try to stop thinking about Russell, try to consider letting myself forget about how wonderful of a person he is and how amazing our time together was. But it sucks. I feel empty, my heart hurts, and I feel as though I have a never-ending supply of tears. I tell myself that there's no way anyone on earth could love another person as much as I love Russell, because I don't know how anyone can handle this constant gripping pain. But then I listen to another love song, and I realize I'm not alone. Thanks again, Jimmy Eat World.

It just takes some time. Little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine; everything will be all right.

It makes me feel like I might get through life somehow. But then I realize--I don't want "all right." I don't just want to "get through life." Life is meant to be lived happily, cherished. I know that happiness is a choice and I can be happy single just as much as I can be happy in a relationship, but my relationship with Russell was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. I've tasted extraordinary before, and it is want I want for the rest of my life. I can't settle for less. Love truly is the reason we keep living, even when things are awful and you want to give up.

So yes, while I want Russell to be happy, I wonder if it wouldn't be ten million times better if he was happy with me instead of with someone else. I used to make him happy. But I've hurt him. A lot. Sometimes I forget while I wallow in my own pain that I have caused him just as much pain (if not more) as I am feeling every day. Would trying to win him back be the best thing for him? He deserves the best, and I'm afraid that I might not be that, no matter how hard I try.

But that fact is much too hard to swallow right now. When I see posts on Facebook where he's hanging out with other girls, I get insanely jealous. And that's just hanging out. If Russell were to get engaged to someone else, I'm not sure how I would handle it. But if that's what he chooses to do, I guess I'm just going to have to accept it, no matter how hard it will be. I can't make his decisions for him, and if he thinks that's what's going to make him happiest, then I will let him do it. Because I love him. I always will.

Perhaps time will help me to sort things out. In the meantime...

 

My Valentine's Plans

 I plan to spend most of Valentine's Day in my bed, eating chocolate and watching movies with Nikki. It will be the first Valentine's Day in a long time that I've spent with family. I have decided not to care that I will not be receiving any special gifts from the opposite sex this year. Maybe it's time to just treat myself a little. I think we all deserve that every once in a while.
I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day!



*In case any of you are interested, here's the short story: Mayra admitted (falsely) to killing her two-year-old nephew, by accidentally falling on him while she reached off her bed to pick him up, in order to cover for her sister, who was abusing the child. As a result of special accommodations for court proceedings and such, she started to see doctors and eventually got her weight back down to 200 lbs (from 1037).

"Of Regrets and Resolutions"

     Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I told myself that eventually I would get the rest of the Europe trip on the blog, but the truth is I haven't even finished writing about it in my personal journals. Most of the trip is just bullet points now, and I probably won't even remember what they mean by the time I get around to them. Maybe I would do better if I was witty or profound like my friends on their blogs... Nah, probably not. I can't ever seem to finish what I start.
     Speaking of that, how are everyone's new year's resolutions going? What's that? You already gave up? Me too. I haven't exercised in WEEKS. I tell myself it's because of my cold, but let's be real here.... I've turned into a bum. No seriously, my butt has grown so huge that's all you can see when you look at me.
     But oh whale! I'll get around to it eventually. Probably. For the time being, I have other resolutions to work on.
     Like for instance, doing a better job with my relationships. You know, the other day, a friend of mine said that you know what a person is like after their first semester of college--after that they don't really change because they know who they are. I don't really agree with that. I am a much different person now than I was after my first semester of college. I used to think I was really great and I didn't understand why I had such a hard time getting other people to see my greatness. I hated myself. And my social skills were lacking. I was afraid to talk to people. Even if it was just ordering food at a restaurant. I hated it. I was so self-conscious. Well, I'm happy to report that that doesn't scare me anymore. And I don't hate myself anymore. But I don't think of myself as highly, either. I know I have a lot of things to work on, and I don't really like where I'm at right now. That's what resolutions are for.
     But I have come a long way. I don't care as much what people think of me and I try not to let other people's opinions shape the way I live my life. Unless, of course, after considering their opinion I find some truth in it and adapt it to fit into my own opinion of life. There are so many new things I have considered that I believe both a lot of new things and a lot of the old things, just in different ways. And I understand a lot more. I even cry during movies. I can remember a few times as a kid forcing myself to cry during an emotional part in a movie. I just didn't get emotional, and I felt like that made me a bad person. I think the truth was that I was too focused on myself. I could cry over my own pathetic issues no problem, but I hadn't really developed proper empathy or sympathy. But now that I've seen more things--love, loss, the daily happenings of life--and considered other people's situations more, I cry during the movies all the time. Which is great, in a weird way.
     If there is anything I've learned in this past year, it's that I need to slow down and enjoy life. I tried too hard to get through life too fast, to prove to myself that I was that awesome person I thought I was. I used to think that I could control my own life, that if I worked hard enough I could get anything I wanted. But I've learned that's not necessarily true. Yes, hard work is good, but sometimes you just won't get the things you want no matter how much you want them. And sometimes you don't even want the things you thought you wanted. You have to take things one day at a time, roll with the punches. You can't forget about the future, but you can't act like it's set in stone, either. We can't focus too much on the unimportant things in life. Like a job. Yeah, we have to work to survive, and we'll be spending a lot of our life working, so we should enjoy it, but that's nowhere near as important as the time you will spend with people. Most of all, you need to enjoy the people who are in your life. You never know when something is going to happen and you'll never see a loved one again. And even if I won't see them again, I plan on keeping in touch with a few special people in my life. Because that really is what life is about--learning to live with, serve, and love other people.

July 1st and 2nd

We mostly did a lot of driving yesterday. Our hostile in Cardiff’s name is Nomad, and the sign on their water heater says not to touch the “water eater.” By the time we got to Cardiff, almost everything was closed. So we went and found some pizza (at a kebab and pizza place run by some Persians, and it was some of the best, although sketchiest, pizza of my life) and wandered around until we got bored since everything was closing. Even though Cardiff is a relatively big city, everything closes at like 6, except the grocery store which closes at like 8. It’s really weird. Also, people aren’t up early in the morning. Or out very much on Sundays. At least in the part of Europe. London will probably be different.

We went into England for most of today’s adventures. We went to Benbow’s farm, where many of the early English saints were baptized by Wilford Woodruff in the pond in the backyard. Then we went to the oldest LDS chapel (in the world, not just England) and a hill nearby where the apostles would go to pray and have meetings since there was no temple here yet. I’m not sure how they got anything accomplished, though, because it was so windy up the hill that I couldn’t even hear myself think.

I’ve been learning a lot of things on this trip, about myself, about the people around me, about cultures and things like that. But one thing that I should be learning but haven’t been is directions. Since we are almost always in big groups, I let someone else take the lead and trust they will get us to where we need to go and back safely. If they led us in a big circle, I probably wouldn’t even know it and I would think it was the quickest way directly back. I need to change that. I need to practice learning where I am and remembering landmarks and being able to find my way around by myself. I’ll get to work on that. Maybe… tomorrow.

June 30th- Wonderland

Today, we went to church.

We got there half an hour early and stood in the “lobby” awkwardly until someone invited us inside. It was held in an office suite of a building, and the branch was really small. We, like, tripled their branch size. They all had great accents, some Welsh, most English. They were a little bit rude to each other- it seemed to me- when giving comments and stuff, although they also laughed a lot. The singing was not great, either. I either fit in or actually mildly improved it. A couple of youngins talked about seminary because they had had seminary graduation the day before. For some reason, all the teenagers I’ve met in Europe look a lot older than they actually are. In Sunday school we had the lesson about the cream and misspelled name and not being offended. Apparently it gets on Jacob’s nerves because it never happened and was definitely not the reason Martin Harris left the church. In combined priesthood and relief society, they talked about giving to the British Legion (like American Red Cross) and tried to combine it with service.

Then we got home, ate, took a nap, and went down to the beach. I am lucky I’m a light sleeper because they would have gone to the beach without me if I hadn’t heard Katie come in to wake up Nicole. The pier was really cool. They had a real live puppet show and their accents were great and the children were so cute and I loved it. There were lots of shops and attractions and they don’t seem to care about Copyright laws very much, because pretty much any famous cartoon character you could imagine was used in the names and on pictures to get people to come inside with their kids. It was a nice little walk and it’s cool to be so close to the ocean. We only stuck our feet in for a minute because the water was cold, but it was nice.

 Llandudno is the city where Alice Liddell (who Alice in Wonderland is based off of) and her family used to spend vacations. We took a lot of pictures with the statues while we walked around. Then we rushed back to the hostile to get to an impromptu musical fireside where we did most of the music. The Gardners had invited a few random people they met on the street and only four people from the branch showed up. It was interesting, to put it nicely. I didn’t volunteer for anything, because I probably would have ruined the spirit. But I prayed. It rained while we were in there, but it was mostly just really windy today. The biscuits were good and there was a plate full of chocolates. I kept thinking how I wanted to sneak them into my purse for later and then Katie said those very words out loud, so we put the chocolates in our purses so we could eat them at home while we watched Alice in Wonderland. Only Matt, Kyra, Katie, and I made it all the way to the end of the movie. Oh whale!

June 29th- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, AKA the City with the Longest Name in the World!

Today, we were told we were going to ride a fairy to whales. It sounded like the most magical thing we could think of. And then our hopes and dreams were crushed.

For some reason, I always thought that ferries would be small and flat and open air. That’s not what these “sea trucks” were. They are like mini cruise-liners. Where you can’t afford any of the food and so you eat a protein bar instead. I had planned on sleeping on the way over, but we couldn’t find the lounge chairs, so we played cards on board instead. I went to bed early last night, but it only lasted an hour or two. Then people came in and the light was on and people outside were loud. I think a couple of drunk Germans were singing Material World and the Barbie Girl song. And then Abbey’s alarm went off at 5 am even though she didn’t get up until 6. She sets like ten different alarms, so none of us get any sleep. It’s terrible.

After the ferry, we got a new coach and a new driver. The bus went up, but the driver went down. No driver will ever be as good as Frank. At least when we did the count off, this new driver knew to finish it off, just like Frank did, without being asked. The fancy bus has better seats, and it also a toilet- right smack dab in the middle! But at least you have to go down a few stairs to get to it. And there’s a door. But the driver, Tony, made sure to specify- “liquids only.”

We went to a city with a really long name (Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, which means “the church of Mary in the hollow of the white hazel near the fierce whirlpool and the church of Tysilio by the red cave”) and I went to the coop to get some pounds. Upon traveling around, we discovered that the “Cooperative” owns pretty much any branch of business you can think of. They have a grocery store, a bank, a funeral store, everything. Then we went to Conwy castle, where we took tons of really great pictures, I ate some honeycomb ice cream (which was super creamy and sweet and delicious- especially since I hadn’t really eaten much today, still being cheap), and I got to know the people in my group better. Most of us are starting to be really great friends, even though we’ve only known each other for a little while.

After that, we came to our hostel and walked to the grocery store where all I bought was oranges and muffins. Now we are all chilling watching Cool Runnings. Church tomorrow will be great because tomorrow will be a relaxing day. I just hope they don’t call on me to give a talk. Cuz apparently they do that spur of the moment here.

PS, to show you how crazy the roads are, while on the bus we went through an archway with only like two inches’ allowance on all sides. It was crazy and a little claustrophobicish.

Also, at the grocery store, the cashiers sit in office chairs. Weird.

June 28th? Dublin!

I am very tired today. We were up early. Our continental breakfast once again consisted of cereal and toast- I’m really starting to get sick of it. We had to leave early to walk to Trinity University and got there a half hour before the exhibit we were going to visit even opened. At first I was mad because it was chilly outside and I could have slept in longer, but the longer we stood there, the longer the line behind us got and I was okay with it. We went in to see the Book of Kells exhibit- wasn’t very exciting for me since I’d already learned most of those things from my History of the Book class and manuscripts had started to look the same for me. Also, most of the exhibit was just walls with words and pictures on them and when you got to the room that actually had the Book of Kells (which, for those of you who are wondering, is one of the oldest Bible manuscripts in the world) in it, it was full and it was hard to see the book with everyone standing around the table. But it was interesting and I enjoyed it well enough.

the magnificent library!

Following that, we were allowed into the upper part of the library. I wasn’t expecting much, because I didn’t even know anything about Trinity University in the first place, but then I made my way upstairs into the most magnificent library I had ever seen! It is humongous and gorgeous and all these busts line the walls. I had seen pictures on the internet before of this place and I had no idea the library was in Dublin! I freaked out! And then took a picture with Shakespeare. And looked at all the books and the display cases. We weren’t allowed to touch the books on the shelves, but Becca, Nichole, and I were wondering together and Becca asked me if I thought some of the larger books were heavy. We were standing next to a security guard so I asked him, not expecting a reply really, how heavy the books were. And, after he took his music out and I repeated the question, he goes, “I don’t know, why don’t you hold one?” And handed it to me! Just like that! I got to touch one of the books! And I was the only one! He immediately took it back out of my hands, though, because he didn’t want other people to see I got to touch the book. I felt so special.

After that, we went to gift shop, just like any true tourist does. Then we wondered all over for a few blocks trying to find where a free walking tour was meeting. We ended up making like three or four circles and asking a couple of pedestrians and a doorman for directions, but we found it eventually. The tour was great. We went to a lot of political buildings (like the one where 19 rebels went to take over the government, killed the guard, and –finding the place empty—left thinking that they were going to be ambushed by the government who had earlier sunk a German ship housing illegal weapons meant for the insurrection. Really, they were out at the horse race) (or the one where while digging for the foundation, they found an entire Viking village, but only saved a few artifacts and then dumped the cement anyway), musically significant buildings (Christs’ Church where “Messiah” was first performed) (the building where U2 was discovered), and parks and statues of all sorts. My legs were soooo tired by the end of it, but the tour guide was interesting and funny. He made fun of Irish people in the fun way that only Irish people can.

Johnathan Swift's birthplace

bog body

Afterward, we went to yet another gift shop and then went through the free national museum. We saw all kinds of things. My favorite was probably the bog bodies, which were basically mummified bodies they found in the bogs in Ireland. And the pole dancing cherubims- my mind is not always appropriate. We met up with the Gardners and were going to go to the Church where they keep a mummified mouse and cat (they had gotten stuck in the organ) until we found out it cost money to go. So instead we bought a cookie and headed to a restaurant to finally get real authentic Irish food. I was a little afraid to try something new, but I had lamb stew and it was fantastic. Matt got the Irish breakfast- white pudding was intestines and black was blood. He ate all of the white, but not very much of the black. We are all starting to be friends now, and that makes me really happy.

We also had to survey a couple of people for class. The first guy was nice, but he didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t really have too many opinions about the different ways people talk. It was really kind of him to let us interrupt him while he was drinking his tea. For some reason, I wasn’t very afraid to talk to him. The other guy I talked to, I was terrified of, but we had been hanging out by his table awkwardly and had already asked another man if he was from Ireland but he wasn’t so we were running out of options and we made eye contact so I just talked to him and he also turned out really nice. People here are so helpful and friendly.

As a side note, a few things about the buildings; there is no space in between the buildings, like they are literally jammed up against each other. And everyone smokes and drinks, so it doesn’t smell very good here. And the river is absolutely disgusting. It looks the way I would imagine the river in Lehi’s dream to look in real life. Apparently for the millennium, they put a clock in the bottom hoping to shine up a countdown through the water, only when the time came it didn’t work, so they had wasted millions of dollars on it. And it’s still there, because they didn’t see the point in removing it.

It rained a little, but if felt like being under the misters at Harkins theater, except that I was cold instead of hot. And drivers are crazy so sometimes it’s hard to cross the street. They also use the F-word as often as the D-word. The F-word isn’t a big deal for them.

The spire at the exact center of Dublin

            Also, a lot of the people in this group think it’s stupid to use the shortened words (like totes for totally) and so they use the words to mock them. Only, it doesn’t seem like mocking because they do it so often. And now, sometimes I use the words, too. My language is disintegrating into teenage yuckiness.