So, I drove to school on Monday and Tuesday. Monday because I was extremely tired after having stayed up so late both Saturday and Sunday night and Tuesday because it was raining when I woke up. But it ended up clearing up quickly on Tuesday. I walked to school today, despite the ominous rain clouds. Needless to say, I walked home in the cold rain in a t-shirt and jeans (it was a good thing I decided not to wear my shorts today. Speaking of which, my wardrobe options have gone down remarkably now that it is officially too cold to wear shorts) the one day I decided not to drive.
On Monday, since I had driven home I had about an hour and a half to rest before going tutoring. So I proceeded to take a nap, after setting my alarm to give me about 20 minutes to get ready before I had to leave the apartment. I woke up at precisely 3:13 (with two minutes to get to the elementary school) because I somehow slept through the alarm. It took me a second to get past the fact that I had been drooling and realize that I was late, but then I jumped off of my bed (a dangerous move I will not be performing again any time soon) and rushed out the door. On the plus side, moving so quickly really made me wake up for the rest of my activities that day.
Yesterday, I almost had a meltdown. I took the American Heritage test, and although I felt that I did reasonably well, I ended up only getting an 82% on it. Then I realized that I have a C in that class because I got a 7/10 on my first essay. And that's when I freaked out. How am I supposed to get scholarships if I don't have good grades? It was soooo STUPID that I could be passing all of my other classes with flying colors but this one class was going to bring my GPA low enough that I wouldn't get a scholarship next year. Then I started thinking about money. Recently, I have been playing with the idea of applying for an RA job both for the spring/summer terms and next years fall/winter semesters. If I got a full tuition scholarship (which would be really hard- a 3.91 is required for my major for full tuition, a 3.71 for half) and the RA job, I would be making enough money to pay for next year's schooling and (combined with what's in my savings right now) get enough to fill the gap for my final year as well. But I can't do that if I have a frickin' C in my American Heritage class.
So, my day was a little off. Not to mention I was still tired and couldn't focus in my class. I was feeling a little down. But then I had a nice conversation with a certain someone and I was feeling much better. And my roommates told me that everyone else who took the American Heritage test got a B or lower and so the curve will probably be pretty substantial. So that's good.
The final thing I wanted to talk about was my career choice. You know I've wanted to be a writer forever, like since elementary school. And I think it's a good choice for me to be choosing editing as a back-up career. But I often feel like I'm wasting my potential. I always hear about all these wonderful, amazing things that the other kids are going to do with their lives and I think "A writer? Really? What am I thinking? I could be a doctor or a lawyer and get paid lots of money or I could be a scientist and have an amazing breakthrough or some other thing that really helps people. What good is my job going to do for anyone?" But then I remember that I'm not really very interested in those other things. Yes, I have the capability to do or learn anything I want, I am blessed with a very good mind, but this is what I WANT to do. Is it bad that I'm going after something that I WANT to do when I feel like maybe I should do something more meaningful? And also, I realize that it would be hard to have a family and a big career like one of those things, too. I just don't know what to think. And I've tried getting answers from my patriarchal blessing about it, but that doesn't really help, either. It's not specific about jobs or my family or anything. It just says that education and leadership will be important to me. Which seems to me like that's all already happening. In fact, sometimes when I read my patriarchal blessing, I feel like maybe I'm meant to die young, like soon after I get married. Because the way that it's worded makes it seem like yes, if I do the right things I will get married, but not much else after that. So either my life will be pointless or it will be short.
1 comment:
Yes, do what you want! No matter what. You need to be happy doing what you do. You are of most value to yourself, your family and your community if you are doing what you are good at and you enjoy it.
As for your blessing, I felt like mine was way too specific to the 18-year-old me who got it, and it was rather generic, but there are still things that apply to me today, so as your frame of reference changes, the meaning of your blessing sometimes changes too.
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