It might be a little creeperish of me to do this, but writing this blog post about Karsen has really helped me to appreciate the experience and accept the fact that it's over.
First, a little background. Karsen is pretty much all anyone could ever ask for in a guy. He's a romantic and a blue on the color test, so he's really good with talking, feeling, and expressing emotion without being awkwardly feminine about it. He has a strong testimony of the gospel, which shows in both his words and his actions and he is constantly working to make his life more spiritual. He is a hard worker and values education. He is musically gifted; he sings like an angel and he has experience on stage. His social skills are unbeatable- he could put anyone around him at ease and since he actually cares about people so much, it's kinda hard not to like him. Now of course, he's not perfect. But he is undoubtedly a great guy. And that's even without his good fashion sense and amazingly good looks (which you can't tell by looking at this picture. It definitely doesn't do him justice). However, this isn't why I wanted to write a post about him.
Karsen told me when he broke things off that if I'm doing all the things I should be- praying and studying my scriptures diligently and taking the sacrament with purpose- then God will open up opportunities to me. I've been a lot better about that kind of thing lately and I had sincerely thought he was my opportunity. And well, I guess he was, in a way. He helped me to stop thinking of Cody and to get over him completely, which is one of the greatest blessings anyone could give me. He also made me think about who I want to be and why I wanted to be that person, which inadvertently helped me to accept some things about myself and gave me motivation to change others. He also always encouraged me to take risks- not stupid ones, but worthwhile ones- which I appreciate. It is something else I've been meaning to work on because I hate living with regret and I have done it for far too long in my life. So even though we didn't work out, he's affected me more than he will ever know.
If there's anything I learned from this relationship, it's that I need to work on my communication more. I've always believed that communication is key- it literally is what will make or break any relationship. I feel like I'm usually pretty good about letting people know when they make me happy, but if I get annoyed, angry, or sad with anyone outside of my family, I just shut down. I don't let people see me cry and I often don't know what to say in difficult situations because I'm so scared of things getting worse than they already are. How are people supposed to get to know me if I block out half of my emotions, if I just let things play out without putting in my two cents? I don't usually share too much about myself for fear of rejection, looking stupid, or just feeling like what I have to say isn't worth anyone's time. I was that way with Karsen a lot, and so it's my own fault that he doesn't really know me. But I would like him to. And honestly, he might like who I am and he might not, but I shouldn't have been afraid to take the chance while I had it. He would have been worth it. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter anymore because that ship seems to have sailed. I'm just glad I got to take a quick tour while it was in port.
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