Spring 2012 Realizations

Ew. So, reading through the last couple of blog posts, I realized that I've become lazy and unentertaining in my more recent posts. Who wants to read about my lame-o life if I am just rushing through the details and not pretending to have the wonderful life you all think I have? ;) Yes, this blog is more for me than it is for you, but I think I am going to try to make it more fun to read, anyway. You know, sharpen my writing skillz. And I made a goal for myself that I will write everyday; not necessarily a journal entry type blog post, but at least the Figment daily themes I get in my email that I've been ignoring. Would you guys give me feedback if I put up random writing on here?

So, call me crazy, but I decided to stay in Provo for the summer. I took three classes Spring term- Deutsch 101, Drawing 101, and New Testament (the Gospels). Basically here's how my day went every day:
wake up at 8,
run,
shower,
get ready for the day,
do homework,
go to school,
go to work,
come home and go to sleep,
rinse and repeat.
Exciting stuff, huh? I know, I know. You're all super-jeal about my life. But that's not even the best part. On the weekends (and sometimes even during the week, in place of homework) I actually went on DATES!! Eeeek! Who knew boys could actually be interested in me?!
Truth be told, I did. I don't hate myself the way I sometimes say I do. I just am not so confident in my abilities. I know I DO have things to offer, I CAN socialize, I have talents and am just as worthwhile as anyone else and not any more so. Up until recently, I had just let the fear of rejection hamper my life. I overthink things and I take a long time to open up to people.
However, I've really been trying to change my life into how I want it to be. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I should enjoy each day as it comes to me, which is something I have issues with. I can sometimes be too forward-thinking and forget to have fun in the meantime, to make relationships, and to just relax. I am stressed all the time, that's just how my life is- but that's not how my life has to be! "Life should be enjoyed, not just endured." So I've decided to care less about what people think of me and to just care about them instead. I finally have a formula for making friends, and it works.

• Focus on the good things about people. Even if your personalities don't exactly mix or you think they are obnoxious or you can't seem to stop comparing yourself to them, find ONE thing about them that you can appreciate and focus on that. It's true that very often, people just suck. But that doesn't mean you have to hate them or have a bad time because of them.

• Care about them and the things they say. Genuinely listen to things they tell them. You would want the same courtesy, wouldn't you? And when you are actually listening to their stories and ideas, conversation comes easily because you naturally have questions to ask to keep it going.

• Don't think too much and don't be afraid of looking stupid. Everyone says stupid things or asks stupid questions. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you human. If they are worth your friendship, they will accept the "bad" things about you along with the good. Because "those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter."

I know you're probably thinking, "Well, duh, Stephanie, this is common sense," but these things are something that have become real to me as I have learned to break out of my shell and make friends with people. I always hated how shy and self-conscious I was, and I am doing my best to overcome that.

I have also made goals to work on myself in other ways. I am trying to eat healthier. I exercise regularly. I try to keep my things organized and the apartment clean. I pay particular attention in class and do my homework, trying my hardest to retain what I learn, and not just until the test. I attend all my church meetings, even if I am going alone. I read my scriptures every day and listen to a few Conference talks while I work. I really am trying.
But it's time for me to take it a step further- to clean up my life. Now it's not like I have major issues I need to overcome, but I've realized that I've become complacent with where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come- I've grown a lot over the past few years- but there's always room to do better.
Like for instance: I have a strong testimony. I know the Church is true and I try to live my life according to that knowledge. But how often do I vocalize it? I tend not to voice my beliefs if has even a slight chance of offending someone else. But if it's the truth, I shouldn't be ashamed to share it. I hardly ever bear my testimony and I only rarely comment in Sunday School. Would people really know that I'm a Mormon if they only watched me for a little while? If I were on trial for being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict me?
Also, I need to go through my music and take a lot of it out. I tell myself a lot that my music is okay- it's just that one part that swears and I always skip it. Or I really need my intense music for when I'm frustrated. But that's wrong. We are commanded to be like Jesus, yet I react to situations in a completely different way than Jesus would. I cannot see Jesus whipping out his angry music playlist and sulking when something isn't going the way he wants it to. Someone once told me that when we are upset, we turn inward, but Jesus would turn outward. Like when John the Baptist died, Jesus went out and served other people. That's how I need to be when I am having an off day. But back to music. I want to get rid of anything that gives me bad feelings and talks about bad things. It's going to be hard for me because I love my music and I'm so used to doing things the way I currently am. But no man can serve two masters, and ultimately this will be good for me. We always tell ourselves that there will be time later to change, but the time is now. How we imagine our lives to be is not just some silly fairy tale- we can shape our lives into something great if we only start now. Part of that creation involves taking out imperfections. It is not actually okay to have our "guilty pleasures" if we want full access to the Spirit. It's a matter of good, better, best- and it's hard- but definitely necessary and not impossible. It's not like I'm going to go crazy and only listen to hymns. There are a lot of secular songs that are still uplifting and praiseworthy that can replace my intense stuff.
But... I'll get off my high horse now. These are just things that I have been pondering about a lot lately.

Oh, and here's a picture in case you guys were also having trouble believing I go out sometimes. ;) As for all the other hot dates I've been on, "Pictures only prove you can't convince." If you want the jg, you gotta ask me yourself.