You know you're out of shape when...

no one honks at you the way they would for those skinny girls who run in their sports bras.

people are rolling down the windows of their cars to shout words of encouragement at you during your run. You're only going around the block.

you are afraid you won't outrun the scary, old dog lounging on the porch at the beginning of your run, should it suddenly and inexplicably decide to lunge at you.

after the first two steps, you're heart feels like a skinny nerd trying to lift a sumo wrestler off of the couch.

your uphill jog is slower than your walk would have been.

you qualify every hill as "the ultimate-get-in-shape" hill.

by the time your run is over, you can tell from your shadow that you look like an old, hunched-over lady.

you congratulate yourself for only stopping four times.

you wake up sweating from only a dream in which all these things occurred.

you decide to make your dream a reality and leave the house to go running but come back after two minutes because you forgot something. You forgot that you're fat and can't run for more than two minutes.

every time you go into the kitchen, you panic while you quickly put your food together because you don't want to get caught eating something you know you shouldn't.

each time your mom asks "who ate [insert sweet here]," you are the guilty one. Even if you don't admit it.

you are making fake mashed potatoes for your mom and you accidentally refer to the "potato flakes" as "potato chips."

you begin to salivate as you realize that the brown couch you've been playing Zelda on all day looks like chocolate.