Confessions

So, these are just things that have been on my mind lately. Don't judge me.

• A lot of my life, I have had a better experience with non-members than with members of the church. I don't think that they are bad people or that the Church breeds them a certain way or anything, I have just had more good friends who aren't members than those who are. Not all members are this way (in fact most of them aren't) but I think one of the biggest traps they can fall into  is becoming too exclusive, forgetting to involve other people who aren't their normal crowd, people who don't believe the same things as they do, and thinking that just because they have the true gospel in their lives, it somehow makes God love them more than other people. But it's not true. I think that sometimes they forget that others, even the ones who make really, really bad choices, are still people. God loves everyone and he wants every single person to be saved. Even the democrats. Hear that Dad? God loves Barack Obama just as much as He loves you. ;) We are all people: imperfect sinners, but each of us has a divine nature and our souls are worth so so much. I think that that's one of the main things that have solidified for me while dating someone without a strong testimony of the Church.
• I hate it when Dad says you can't be a member of the church and a democrat. Of course you can, as there are democrat members, although they often get a lot of flack for it. And sometimes I think the Democrats have it right where Republicans fall short. At least their hearts are in the right place. I often like to classify Democrats as idealistic and Republicans as realistic. But, as Mormons, we try to live idealistically, right? The world isn't perfect, but we are supposed to try to live as if it were because that's what we want it to be. Then maybe the Democrats aren't so wrong about some things.
• You know who else says you can't do this and be that? President Joseph Fielding Smith. He says you cannot believe in both Jesus and evolution. Does that make members who reconcile the two, like my aunt and uncle (who is a bishop) bad people or weak members? It doesn't, you say? But they are picking and choosing doctrines to believe. You aren't allowed to do that. You either accept it all or you are a bad person. I don't usually question prophets' teachings, but sometimes I think some of the church's doctrines are a little close-minded. And it can be confusing when general authorities don't agree with each other. Or when the church puts out new official statements that denounce old ones, like with the death penalty. If the gospel is true and unchanging, how come sometimes the Church's stance changes? These are hard questions to answer. And often, they can't be answered. At least, not in this life. How come I am still a member then? Some things you have to put in a little box and put it away. Don't think about it anymore. Some things are just out of human comprehension and even if you got the answer, you would feel like you wouldn't, because you wouldn't understand it. I have just realized that the things that are confusing or seem to conflict aren't important to my salvation, so it doesn't matter. I'll learn everything eventually. But in the here and now, the general authorities don't disagree on the things that are necessary to be saved and go to the celestial kingdom. So I choose to focus on those things instead.
• So, despite any confusion I may have now and again, I know I can't ever leave the Church. Even if sometimes the people suck or the doctrine is confusing when you get really deep. I know Jesus atoned for our sins and that God loves me and that being baptized into this church was the right thing to do. Most of the Church is so logical and ordered, all of it based on Jesus's life and teachings. Everything else doesn't matter.
• It's just so sad that so few people are going to be saved. And it's their own fault, not God's, not Jesus's, not their parent's or their friends' or anyone else's. The laws are the laws, like the rules in a game. You can't just change them partway. So if you want all of the blessings, you have to make the right decisions. It's really not that hard. But I think it being so easy is also what makes it so hard. It's not that hard to do the little things. But since they are so little, we get into the mindset that they don't really matter. But they do. This short time we have on earth will determine so much of our life in the hereafter- the little choices add  up.
• Sometimes I despair and I think that since the world is so full of confusion and trials, why in the world would I want to bring children here so they could be subjected to the same torture? Why should I risk another soul's being damned? And what is being damned anyway? Someone explained to me that not being with God when you could have is damnation. Yes, that would be hell. But, then I read that damnation is an eternity of not progressing. How do you not progress, when all you have on your hands is time? And how could relationships not be brought over from this life into the next if you are in one of the "T" kingdoms? You can't just forget about everyone you've met. I understand marriage not being brought over, since it's an institution that is needed to become a god. But relationships? Your personality won't change when you die. Why would anything change about the way you feel about different people?
• I will love Russell forever. Even if I end up marrying someone else or he does and I'm forever single. Granted, it may become less of a prominent and strong emotion if it's not being constantly fed, but he has impacted my life so much and I will never forget him. In fact, look for a blog post solely about him soon.