Breakups

When guys break up with you, why do they ask, "Are you okay with that?" What are you supposed to say to that? Well, duh! No! Of course it's not okay. If I wanted us to break up, I would be the one doing the breaking, not you. But you can't really say no and act all desperate. That'd only make things worse. I don't understand. It's a trap. That's all I have to say about that.

Be vs Do

            It seems that more and more in my life, the focus has switched from “doing” to “becoming,” especially in my ward. I, personally, tend to focus a little too much on what I and others can do- what are my talents? What am I good for? What have I done that’s worth anyone’s time? It seems to me that when I think about the things I can accomplish, I automatically compare myself to others, which is not a good habit. But when I think about who I am becoming- what are my beliefs? How do I integrate these beliefs into my life? Am I developing Christlike attributes?- the focus moves solely toward myself and my personal progress. So while doing is an essential part of becoming, it shouldn’t be the only part.

            I was talking to a friend who said that he’d been thinking a lot about who he wants to be. I, without thinking, blurted that it was easy for me because I just want to be a mom. He smiled and modified his statement, saying what kind of person he wants to be. And I modified my answer by adding good to the title. Immediately I felt sheepish, like I’d given a shallow answer, which wasn’t helped by the sad smile he gave me as if I didn’t understand the concept of truly becoming someone God wants me to become. But the more I think about it, the more I stand by my answer, even if I didn’t explain myself well (or at all, really) in the moment and so it seems like I gave a childish answer.

            Motherhood is a divine calling, and it involves more than simply giving birth to children. In a talk about being versus doing, a general authority explained how personality/attitudes and beliefs are more important than what you do for a living. Some people might categorize “stay at home mom” as an occupation. But it is so much more than that. Being a true parent is being Christlike. It means learning His attributes like patience, loving kindness, gentleness, etc… It means working hard to keep the ones you love both physically and spiritually nurtured, being in the world but not of the world, sharing the gospel, even being a good neighbor. Even though they aren’t perfect and they have some traits I do not want to take on, I can’t think of anyone else on the earth right now who I’d like to become like more than my parents. So, who do I want to be 30 years from now? A mom. A good mom.

            Speaking of being a good person, I had an interesting experience on Monday. You know how you hear those stories of people doing random acts of service for strangers, like helping them on the side of the road kind of thing? And you always wonder that if the opportunity were to present itself, would you do the same thing? Would you be that kind person? In your imagination you would, but when you really think about it, there are so many other things to consider. What if the random stranger is a con artist, rapist, or ax murderer? What if you go to offer your help and they turn you down flat, or are otherwise straight up rude? Well, I had the opportunity to test my ethical code:

I saw an old man walking down 9^th East, a limp in his walk, a cane in one hand, and a few heavy-looking grocery bags in the other. As I passed by, I got a prompting to stop the car and give him a ride, but immediately became uneasy as all my paranoia hit. He might be an old man, but you never know, ya know? I was almost home and considered just ignoring the prompting (I was late for home evening as it was), but as soon as I realized that it was a prompting and not just an idle idea, I turned the car around and stopped to pick him up. He’d only made it a few feet despite how long I’d spent turning the car around and mulling things over and when I got his attention and he turned to me, I could see that he was panting heavily and his face was covered in sweat. I asked if he wanted a ride and he insisted he was almost home. I told him it would really be no problem because I have a car and I was heading that way anyway, and he admitted that even though it was a relatively short distance, it would be worth it. When he clambered in awkwardly (I always forget how short I am until someone normal height gets in the car with me) and I apologized for the lack of leg room, he launched into a story about his deceased wife who was my height before she died unexpectedly at the age of 42. We talked while I took him home and he told me stories for another 10 minutes after we got there. He is a lonely old man, even though most of his kids live nearby, and he talked like he hadn’t had much contact with anyone for a while. Maybe he was just old, or maybe I really did make his day by being a listening ear for a short while, but either way I headed off to home evening a little lighter than before.

Stressed Steph

So, I've been trying to decide why I'm so stressed out, and here's what I came up with.
Full time school. (Not to mention my teachers this term are a lot harder than the ones last term. And I have a daily 8 o'clock class now.)
Full time work. (Yes, I inflicted this upon myself, but I really REALLY want to go on a study abroad to England next semester.)
Trying to change myself socially. It's hard to try to change your very nature. But it's something I've been wanting to do with myself for a long time and I am finally making my fantasy a reality. I'm caring more, I am having a more positive outlook on life, and I am making friends. It's great!
Trying to change myself spiritually without any support from my roommates. I know I shouldn't/can't depend on anyone else for my spirituality, but I feel like it would be easier to do if my roommates went to church with me. And also if Sarah believed more along the lines of what I do. Sarah is the one I'm around the most, but there are a lot of things we don't agree on. Sometimes this helps my testimony grow stronger, sometimes it just frustrates me.
Karsen breaking up with me. I really like Karsen, in case you couldn't tell from my last post. And it's hard for me not knowing why he doesn't think we'd last together. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, and I should have asked more questions in the moment, but I totally haven't reacted to this situation the way I should have. I know I should just accept his decision- some days I do (I know I need more dating experience before I can commit to anyone), other days I don't (I really would like to be his and for him to be mine).
I have to keep paying for unexpected costs. Utilities got pushed through the roof, and I heard it was in order to make up for the money Centennial is losing because they lowered their summer rent for some people. Food is more expensive than I expected, especially when things go bad so fast. The car is broken and I have to go get that fixed. Gifts for people. Clothes, because none of mine fit anymore. All kinds of random things. I HATE how much money I've spent the past month. It's disgusting.
I had a stressful shopping day on Saturday. I hate shopping, but I always forget to what extent until I go again.
I haven't seen my family since Christmas.
And last but not least, I'm on my period. Lovely, no?
So, that's why I'm stressed. Although, if I do say so myself, I think I've handled it pretty well. I try to keep a positive attitude, and I've felt happier most days than I have in a long while, despite the road bumps. When I'm really frustrated, I usually run instead of eating myself to death like I normally would. And Carly commented today how she thinks I handle everything well; I was even fairly under control when the car made unbelievably loud noises and I was afraid it was going to blow up. Haha. :D I try not to complain (except to Mom, I feel like I unload a lot on her- Sorry, Mom!) and I don't cry in front of anyone (also except to Mom).
Needless to say, I cannot wait until I get to see my family in July and have a mini break from life up here.

Karsen

(Please note that this picture looks better in person.)
     It might be a little creeperish of me to do this, but writing this blog post about Karsen has really helped me to appreciate the experience and accept the fact that it's over.
     First, a little background. Karsen is pretty much all anyone could ever ask for in a guy. He's a romantic and a blue on the color test, so he's really good with talking, feeling, and expressing emotion without being awkwardly feminine about it. He has a strong testimony of the gospel, which shows in both his words and his actions and he is constantly working to make his life more spiritual. He is a hard worker and values education. He is musically gifted; he sings like an angel and he has experience on stage. His social skills are unbeatable- he could put anyone around him at ease and since he actually cares about people so much, it's kinda hard not to like him. Now of course, he's not perfect. But he is undoubtedly a great guy. And that's even without his good fashion sense and amazingly good looks (which you can't tell by looking at this picture. It definitely doesn't do him justice). However, this isn't why I wanted to write a post about him.
     Karsen told me when he broke things off that if I'm doing all the things I should be- praying and studying my scriptures diligently and taking the sacrament with purpose- then God will open up opportunities to me. I've been a lot better about that kind of thing lately and I had sincerely thought he was my opportunity. And well, I  guess he was, in a way. He helped me to stop thinking of Cody and to get over him completely, which is one of the greatest blessings anyone could give me. He also made me think about who I want to be and why I wanted to be that person, which inadvertently helped me to accept some things about myself and gave me motivation to change others. He also always encouraged me to take risks- not stupid ones, but worthwhile ones- which I appreciate. It is something else I've been meaning to work on because I hate living with regret and I have done it for far too long in my life. So even though we didn't work out, he's affected me more than he will ever know.
     If there's anything I learned from this relationship, it's that I need to work on my communication more. I've always believed that communication is key- it literally is what will make or break any relationship. I feel like I'm usually pretty good about letting people know when they make me happy, but if I get annoyed, angry, or sad with anyone outside of my family, I just shut down. I don't let people see me cry and I often don't know what to say in difficult situations because I'm so scared of things getting worse than they already are. How are people supposed to get to know me if I block out half of my emotions, if I just let things play out without putting in my two cents? I don't usually share too much about myself for fear of rejection, looking stupid, or just feeling like what I have to say isn't worth anyone's time. I was that way with Karsen a lot, and so it's my own fault that he doesn't really know me. But I would like him to. And honestly, he might like who I am and he might not, but I shouldn't have been afraid to take the chance while I had it. He would have been worth it. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter anymore because that ship seems to have sailed. I'm just glad I got to take a quick tour while it was in port.

Spring 2012 Realizations

Ew. So, reading through the last couple of blog posts, I realized that I've become lazy and unentertaining in my more recent posts. Who wants to read about my lame-o life if I am just rushing through the details and not pretending to have the wonderful life you all think I have? ;) Yes, this blog is more for me than it is for you, but I think I am going to try to make it more fun to read, anyway. You know, sharpen my writing skillz. And I made a goal for myself that I will write everyday; not necessarily a journal entry type blog post, but at least the Figment daily themes I get in my email that I've been ignoring. Would you guys give me feedback if I put up random writing on here?

So, call me crazy, but I decided to stay in Provo for the summer. I took three classes Spring term- Deutsch 101, Drawing 101, and New Testament (the Gospels). Basically here's how my day went every day:
wake up at 8,
run,
shower,
get ready for the day,
do homework,
go to school,
go to work,
come home and go to sleep,
rinse and repeat.
Exciting stuff, huh? I know, I know. You're all super-jeal about my life. But that's not even the best part. On the weekends (and sometimes even during the week, in place of homework) I actually went on DATES!! Eeeek! Who knew boys could actually be interested in me?!
Truth be told, I did. I don't hate myself the way I sometimes say I do. I just am not so confident in my abilities. I know I DO have things to offer, I CAN socialize, I have talents and am just as worthwhile as anyone else and not any more so. Up until recently, I had just let the fear of rejection hamper my life. I overthink things and I take a long time to open up to people.
However, I've really been trying to change my life into how I want it to be. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I should enjoy each day as it comes to me, which is something I have issues with. I can sometimes be too forward-thinking and forget to have fun in the meantime, to make relationships, and to just relax. I am stressed all the time, that's just how my life is- but that's not how my life has to be! "Life should be enjoyed, not just endured." So I've decided to care less about what people think of me and to just care about them instead. I finally have a formula for making friends, and it works.

• Focus on the good things about people. Even if your personalities don't exactly mix or you think they are obnoxious or you can't seem to stop comparing yourself to them, find ONE thing about them that you can appreciate and focus on that. It's true that very often, people just suck. But that doesn't mean you have to hate them or have a bad time because of them.

• Care about them and the things they say. Genuinely listen to things they tell them. You would want the same courtesy, wouldn't you? And when you are actually listening to their stories and ideas, conversation comes easily because you naturally have questions to ask to keep it going.

• Don't think too much and don't be afraid of looking stupid. Everyone says stupid things or asks stupid questions. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you human. If they are worth your friendship, they will accept the "bad" things about you along with the good. Because "those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter."

I know you're probably thinking, "Well, duh, Stephanie, this is common sense," but these things are something that have become real to me as I have learned to break out of my shell and make friends with people. I always hated how shy and self-conscious I was, and I am doing my best to overcome that.

I have also made goals to work on myself in other ways. I am trying to eat healthier. I exercise regularly. I try to keep my things organized and the apartment clean. I pay particular attention in class and do my homework, trying my hardest to retain what I learn, and not just until the test. I attend all my church meetings, even if I am going alone. I read my scriptures every day and listen to a few Conference talks while I work. I really am trying.
But it's time for me to take it a step further- to clean up my life. Now it's not like I have major issues I need to overcome, but I've realized that I've become complacent with where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come- I've grown a lot over the past few years- but there's always room to do better.
Like for instance: I have a strong testimony. I know the Church is true and I try to live my life according to that knowledge. But how often do I vocalize it? I tend not to voice my beliefs if has even a slight chance of offending someone else. But if it's the truth, I shouldn't be ashamed to share it. I hardly ever bear my testimony and I only rarely comment in Sunday School. Would people really know that I'm a Mormon if they only watched me for a little while? If I were on trial for being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict me?
Also, I need to go through my music and take a lot of it out. I tell myself a lot that my music is okay- it's just that one part that swears and I always skip it. Or I really need my intense music for when I'm frustrated. But that's wrong. We are commanded to be like Jesus, yet I react to situations in a completely different way than Jesus would. I cannot see Jesus whipping out his angry music playlist and sulking when something isn't going the way he wants it to. Someone once told me that when we are upset, we turn inward, but Jesus would turn outward. Like when John the Baptist died, Jesus went out and served other people. That's how I need to be when I am having an off day. But back to music. I want to get rid of anything that gives me bad feelings and talks about bad things. It's going to be hard for me because I love my music and I'm so used to doing things the way I currently am. But no man can serve two masters, and ultimately this will be good for me. We always tell ourselves that there will be time later to change, but the time is now. How we imagine our lives to be is not just some silly fairy tale- we can shape our lives into something great if we only start now. Part of that creation involves taking out imperfections. It is not actually okay to have our "guilty pleasures" if we want full access to the Spirit. It's a matter of good, better, best- and it's hard- but definitely necessary and not impossible. It's not like I'm going to go crazy and only listen to hymns. There are a lot of secular songs that are still uplifting and praiseworthy that can replace my intense stuff.
But... I'll get off my high horse now. These are just things that I have been pondering about a lot lately.

Oh, and here's a picture in case you guys were also having trouble believing I go out sometimes. ;) As for all the other hot dates I've been on, "Pictures only prove you can't convince." If you want the jg, you gotta ask me yourself.

Well...

I should write more often, because I don't remember all the details I wanted to post. So basically, here's what's up.
The past few weeks have been really busy because almost all of my classes have end-of-the-year projects. Some due on the same days. So I've been working on those a lot.
I basically have the apartment to myself most days. No one is here when I get home from school and they don't usually come back until right before or after I have to go to work. I hardly ever see Marley anymore, especially after she has a new boy she hangs out with.
One Saturday, I decided to go to a Wyview dance because I refused to be so lame that I didn't do anything. So I prayed beforehand that I could make some friends and not be so lonely. And I went. I got there like 5 minutes after it was supposed to start, but no one really showed up for the first hour. And by the time we left a coupla hours later, there were only like 50 kids. Lame-o. But yes, I said we. Because while I was sitting off against a wall, messing with my phone, trying to decide if I'd wait for more people to come or if I would just leave and do whatever until Sarah got off work so we could go see a movie, a boy came up and started talking to me.
We hung out all night, and I took him back to the apartment when Sarah decided we were going to go to a movie night instead of go out. But the host didn't want Josh's puppy there, so we just Netflixed Iron Man 2 instead and got free Burger King fries. He said we'd keep in touch, and we did. Then last week he took me to this dance practice performance, but the date was short because he had a paper to work on and so did I. But I invited him to eat cinnamon rolls and watch Conference with us yesterday, so he was over from 10 to 5 yesterday. Sarah left at like 12:30 and didn't come back until, like 4, so while she was gone, we played cards and Wii (Just Dance!) and watched the second session alone.
Today I am completely alone watching Conference, but I don't mind because I am in my pajamas and greasy hair with no one to bug me and nothing to worry about. Well, I still worry about things, but I'm trying not to think about them right now.

Real Quick

This week went by real quick. Work was slow, but not as slow as last week, so it wasn't so bad.
On Monday, Danny took me to lunch (Subway- he ate two footlongs and said he could have downed another!) and we had a nice little DTR. We decided we're dating but not "dating," but he doesn't want to call it an open relationship because that seems too much like friends with benefits. A little confusing, but whatever. I think I know how we stand now.
I've been going to bed later and later every night, mostly because the homework is starting to pile up. For most of my classes, we have big projects due at the end of the semester, so now we're starting to work on them all at once. But I still fit in fun time, whether it be watching movies with the roommies or just browsing the internet all alone.
I took a boy in my ward up to his house in Pleasant Grove on Wednesday. He'd been begging people to take him up for a couple of days and since I wasn't doing anything, I offered him a ride. It turns out it was so that he could give his mom a blessing (his first, since he'd only just received the Melchizedek Priestood), so I was much happier to help after I found that out. His family was very friendly and treated me like I was part of the family right off the bat. His parents are writers, and his dad said he's always looking for free-lance editors if I'm interested. But I kind of turned the offer down because I was afraid to accept and then totally screw up since I have absolutely zero experience with, like, professional editing. He also has a little almost two-year-old sister, and since I haven't been around kids for a while, I automatically took her in my lap and played with her. She was so cute! When Zach actually got around to giving the blessing, I kind of felt like I was intruding a little. But the Spirit was really strong and his parents seemed really grateful.
I got Sons of Provo in the mail and made my roommates watch it with me and then took it to work and had it play there for Jason, too. I love that movie. :)
Last night, Sarah threw a little "party" with some friends from work. We had cake and pie and watched Phantom of the Opera. It was fun but... at the beginning of yesterday I weighed 128. This morning I weighed 130 again. :/ Oh WHALE! I WILL look great by June ;)