June 28th? Dublin!

I am very tired today. We were up early. Our continental breakfast once again consisted of cereal and toast- I’m really starting to get sick of it. We had to leave early to walk to Trinity University and got there a half hour before the exhibit we were going to visit even opened. At first I was mad because it was chilly outside and I could have slept in longer, but the longer we stood there, the longer the line behind us got and I was okay with it. We went in to see the Book of Kells exhibit- wasn’t very exciting for me since I’d already learned most of those things from my History of the Book class and manuscripts had started to look the same for me. Also, most of the exhibit was just walls with words and pictures on them and when you got to the room that actually had the Book of Kells (which, for those of you who are wondering, is one of the oldest Bible manuscripts in the world) in it, it was full and it was hard to see the book with everyone standing around the table. But it was interesting and I enjoyed it well enough.

the magnificent library!

Following that, we were allowed into the upper part of the library. I wasn’t expecting much, because I didn’t even know anything about Trinity University in the first place, but then I made my way upstairs into the most magnificent library I had ever seen! It is humongous and gorgeous and all these busts line the walls. I had seen pictures on the internet before of this place and I had no idea the library was in Dublin! I freaked out! And then took a picture with Shakespeare. And looked at all the books and the display cases. We weren’t allowed to touch the books on the shelves, but Becca, Nichole, and I were wondering together and Becca asked me if I thought some of the larger books were heavy. We were standing next to a security guard so I asked him, not expecting a reply really, how heavy the books were. And, after he took his music out and I repeated the question, he goes, “I don’t know, why don’t you hold one?” And handed it to me! Just like that! I got to touch one of the books! And I was the only one! He immediately took it back out of my hands, though, because he didn’t want other people to see I got to touch the book. I felt so special.

After that, we went to gift shop, just like any true tourist does. Then we wondered all over for a few blocks trying to find where a free walking tour was meeting. We ended up making like three or four circles and asking a couple of pedestrians and a doorman for directions, but we found it eventually. The tour was great. We went to a lot of political buildings (like the one where 19 rebels went to take over the government, killed the guard, and –finding the place empty—left thinking that they were going to be ambushed by the government who had earlier sunk a German ship housing illegal weapons meant for the insurrection. Really, they were out at the horse race) (or the one where while digging for the foundation, they found an entire Viking village, but only saved a few artifacts and then dumped the cement anyway), musically significant buildings (Christs’ Church where “Messiah” was first performed) (the building where U2 was discovered), and parks and statues of all sorts. My legs were soooo tired by the end of it, but the tour guide was interesting and funny. He made fun of Irish people in the fun way that only Irish people can.

Johnathan Swift's birthplace

bog body

Afterward, we went to yet another gift shop and then went through the free national museum. We saw all kinds of things. My favorite was probably the bog bodies, which were basically mummified bodies they found in the bogs in Ireland. And the pole dancing cherubims- my mind is not always appropriate. We met up with the Gardners and were going to go to the Church where they keep a mummified mouse and cat (they had gotten stuck in the organ) until we found out it cost money to go. So instead we bought a cookie and headed to a restaurant to finally get real authentic Irish food. I was a little afraid to try something new, but I had lamb stew and it was fantastic. Matt got the Irish breakfast- white pudding was intestines and black was blood. He ate all of the white, but not very much of the black. We are all starting to be friends now, and that makes me really happy.

We also had to survey a couple of people for class. The first guy was nice, but he didn’t really know what to say. He didn’t really have too many opinions about the different ways people talk. It was really kind of him to let us interrupt him while he was drinking his tea. For some reason, I wasn’t very afraid to talk to him. The other guy I talked to, I was terrified of, but we had been hanging out by his table awkwardly and had already asked another man if he was from Ireland but he wasn’t so we were running out of options and we made eye contact so I just talked to him and he also turned out really nice. People here are so helpful and friendly.

As a side note, a few things about the buildings; there is no space in between the buildings, like they are literally jammed up against each other. And everyone smokes and drinks, so it doesn’t smell very good here. And the river is absolutely disgusting. It looks the way I would imagine the river in Lehi’s dream to look in real life. Apparently for the millennium, they put a clock in the bottom hoping to shine up a countdown through the water, only when the time came it didn’t work, so they had wasted millions of dollars on it. And it’s still there, because they didn’t see the point in removing it.

It rained a little, but if felt like being under the misters at Harkins theater, except that I was cold instead of hot. And drivers are crazy so sometimes it’s hard to cross the street. They also use the F-word as often as the D-word. The F-word isn’t a big deal for them.

The spire at the exact center of Dublin

            Also, a lot of the people in this group think it’s stupid to use the shortened words (like totes for totally) and so they use the words to mock them. Only, it doesn’t seem like mocking because they do it so often. And now, sometimes I use the words, too. My language is disintegrating into teenage yuckiness.

June 27th? Silly Americans!

First, a quick story that Frank- our simply delightful Irish bus driver- told us about some mountains we passed along the way. He pointed out the three hills in the distance and told us they were called the three sisters: one is round, one is medium round, and one is pointy and they are the boobs of three different aged sisters! Do you see it? But the really great part is that there are three girls who like to stick together in the study abroad group and we now refer to them as the three sisters. Only I don’t think they know we do that.

This morning when I went to take a shower, I was shocked to find that the stalls were almost completely see through. While brushing my teeth the night before I had been slightly aware of this fact, but there was some sort of film over the glass, and at least there were three stalls instead of a few heads coming out of a single post, right? With the main bathroom door closed, I was sure it would be no big deal. But upon entering the stall and pulling the curtain closed, I made the unfortunate mistake of looking over to the stall two away from me (as the middle one was empty) and now will be scarred for life. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been had the girl been in the stall immediately adjacent to my own. Although I am glad you couldn’t see every detail of the other person’s body, it was still kind of an awkward shower. I stared at a single spot on the wall the entire time and I can confidently say that that was one of the fastest showers I had ever taken in my entire life.

Blarney Castle

After getting ready, we got back on the bus and headed out toward Blarney. When riding in the bus, it is a common thing to fall asleep and become completely disoriented when you wake up. For instance, Rebecca woke up when we got to the Muckross house and immediately asked “Where are we?” in her groggy voice only to be answered with laughter. None of us knew where we were except the faculty and bus driver. For me, I usually experience a fright because we are about to turn left and I see a car coming on the right side and Frank just plows forward anyway and I think “Oh my gosh we are going to die!” and then I realize that we are driving in the left lane and we’re really okay after all. Also, when walking along the road, I often look inside the cars and find that there is no one in the driver’s seat. Who is driving these cars? Is it a ghost? And then I remember that the driver’s seat is on the right side here. I’ll get used to it eventually, perhaps. It’s still hard to remember which way to look when crossing the street.

Crossing the street is dangerous even if you know which was to look, though. These Europeans with all their fancy schmancy sports cars come barreling down these narrow, windy roads without a care in the world and it’s terrifying! And driving up in the mountains in a ginormous bus on the narrow, super twisty mountain roads not only freaks me out, but also makes me car sick and during much of the bus rides through my whole trip I was and will be carsick. Oh whale! I knew this was part of the deal.

Weather was something else I knew was part of the deal, but it has surprisingly been good so far. It was cloudy this morning, but quickly turned back to sunny, albeit a little humid, and it only rained when we came into Dublin in the late evening.

Faerie Glade

Sometimes I’m not sure why the faculty has to stick so close to their schedules. We had nothing really of importance to do when we came into Dublin and it makes me sad that we couldn’t have spent more time at Blarney. Blarney was the first super touristy place we went to, and the line to the stone was about an hour and a half long. We booked it straight there and that was all we really had time to do. And old man helped people get on the ground laying down on their backs and then pushed them quickly so their faces ran into the stone for a split second and then came away again. Which I guess you could call a kiss. The surface was rough so I wasn’t quite as worried about germs or how many people had kissed the stone before me- it wasn’t too worn down, right? Also, they had some cleaner and I think they clean the stone every so often. There were also awful rumors going around beforehand that some people like to pee on the stone, but I can’t see that being possible with all the security they had there. So now, I am supposedly blessed with the gift of gab!

Blarney castle was by far the coolest castle so far. There was a lot to do on the grounds. So, even though we were supposed to wait by the castle for the rest of the group who was about a half hour behind us to go kiss the stone, our group of girls ran off to soak in as much as we could. Sarah, Kyra and I went to the Faerie Glade where we saw a cute little house carved into a stump for the faeries and we left coins inside of it. We saw the witch’s rock and walked next to the river which had plants with the largest leaves I’d ever seen. On our way back to the bus, we walked past the caves and went inside for a moment. I hadn’t realized how hot it’d gotten until I went into the nice cool caves. It was wet inside, too, but I was stupid and sat down to have my picture taken. I came out with a brown bum…

Then we rushed back to the bus only to find that they were being lenientish about our return anyway. We went to a café to eat where I just had one of my granola bars and tried a piece of someone’s currant bread and someone else’s rhubarb pie. Aren’t we healthy- a lot of the time people just eat breads or desserts instead of buying a full meal. I limit myself to only buying one meal a day, to save money.

Then we bussed to Rock of Cashel, which was a cathedral (“St. Peter’s Rock” in Cashel) It was huge and it was pretty, but there wasn’t very much inside. There were a few stone tables thought I thought might be gravesites. I asked Katie “Is this a tomb?” She responded that she wasn’t sure but it could be. I said “We can make it a tomb,” thinking that if someone laid on top with their arms crossed it would look like a tomb. For some reason, I’m really into posed pictures right now. But she laughed and said, “Who do you hate on this trip?”

The Tomb

Then, we took a bus to Dublin. We were pretty tired, so most of us slept or read books the whole time instead of trying to play games like we sometimes did. It rained a little while we drove there but it stopped by the time we parked and went inside the hostel. This hostel was much more lively and tailored toward young people. There were teenagers from all countries there and an especially large group from Germany. We went to a bar down the street to eat. (We being the boys, Katie, Nicole, Liz and I.) While looking at the menu, I noticed a section was labeled “bar bites” and wondered aloud if it was something you could only eat at the bar. When the waitress came to take our order, Matt asked her about the bar bites and she gave him the weirdest look. Then, the rest of the night she kept joking with him, pretending to take his food to the bar for him so he could eat it and such. He was officially the silly American. And now that he already has that label, if there is ever a stupid question we need answered, we have Matthew ask it.

After eating, we walked around for a bit. There are lots of drinkers and smokers in this city, but at least they don’t smoke inside the buildings. At one point, an old man saw us and said “hey ladies” trying to be flirty. His voice was raspy and I’m pretty sure he was missing a few teeth. I know it was rude, but it made me crack up. The streets were dirty, and the river was even dirtier. A man who was walking his dog just let it poop in middle of the sidewalk and didn’t do anything about it. It makes me miss the countryside. Also, since there are more buildings there are less plants. We came back and were thinking about partying on the rooftop, but upon going up there, we saw it was taken by a bunch of drunks so we came back downstairs to play cards. We were soon joined by Markus, a German boy who was 16 and drunk. He played with us and flirted with Liz a lot. (Now they Skype a lot and he is already talking about marriage…)We made a pretty big clump in middle of the hallway and were being a bit noisy, so eventually we got kicked out of the hallway. We went to bed pretty late that night. I am trying not to miss a single opportunity, no matter how tired I am.

June 26- IRELAND!!!

on the bus

Stinky feet. And Tahiti scented soap. The last two things I smelled my first night in Ireland before falling asleep nearly perfectly describe my first day abroad. First, the stinky part:

You never know who you are going to be stuck sitting next to on a plane. I don’t remember my row buddies on the flight to Dallas being anything special, and I didn’t much care who was going to sit by me on the long plane ride because I had planned on sleeping the whole time. I ended up in between some Indian guy, who seemed nice enough- always got out of people’s way and told me he could put my bags overhead for me so I would have more footroom- and a blond girl who never spoke. But upon arriving at my seat, I realized sleep would not immediately be in order.

Tralee City Council

When I saw the blanket and headphones on my seat, my first reaction was: Is this a trap? I mean, even if I had spent wondrous amounts of money on my plane ticket, they wouldn’t possibly give me things for FREE, would they? But I guess they aren’t for free when you paid wondrous amounts of money for them. I reminded myself that a few times and decided it was better to get the most out of my money than to get as much sleep as possible. So I didn’t hesitate to accept the pasta dinner and polish it all off, even the cheesecake. And then watch a movie (Jack the Giant Slayer- which has the zombie from Warm Bodies in it, which weirded me out). And eat all of my breakfast when that came out, too. I would have used the blanket had not the few hours I slept been hot and sweaty.

Yes, I only slept for about two and a half hours. Quite possibly three if you include the winking in and out. I don’t. The nice Indian man turned out to be loud when he wasn’t sleeping and a space hog when he was. His Bollywood movie must have been really hilarious. And I have never been so uncomfortable trying to sleep while travelling. So, I was relieved when I landed in London.

a church in Tralee

Until I found out what time it was. I had already been nervous knowing I was going to be wondering around the airport without a boarding pass. But then I remembered that they had only scheduled an hour and a half layover. And I had to face the scariest monster of them all: Customs. So, only slightly aware of the terror that lay ahead, I hurried past all the signs to the shuttle from Terminal 5 to Terminal 1, filled out a stupid Landing Card, got my picture taken and hurried to the counter as quickly as I could. I still had thirty minutes until the plane was supposed to take off. But…

Unfortunately, the ticket counter was harder to find than I thought. About seven minutes later, I was finally at the counter speaking to the Indian lady. Who proceeded to make me feel like an idiot for trying to come to the counter for that particular flight cuz didn’t I know, I’d already missed the plane? But we still have over twenty minutes! It takes twenty minutes to get there, you would have missed it anyway. Then her little friend next to her started telling stories of other idiot travelers who missed their flights. For being so laid back as far as I’d seen Europeans, they could also be awfully rude. She gave me the later flight and I walked away with tears streaming down my face. I’m sure more than one person felt bad for me but didn’t say anything. I sat down and switched between sleeping with my mouth open, walking around the stores (which made me depressed because everything here is so expensive. Hard as I may try, I don’t like spending money), and people watching, wondering if I should try to talk to someone for my homework. I did nothing productive.

fingers rubbed raw

Until I decided I shouldn’t wait any longer to follow the contingency plan and call my professors. I got to the payphone and after five tries to get my card to work, I attempted to call Dr. Elzinga. And then tried again. I tried so many times with so many different combinations. I even went into one of the stores and asked a lady if she had any tips for using the payphone here. Nothing worked. I called my mom in tears and, I’m sorry to say, got a little frustrated and might have raised my voice a little. But at $7 a minute, it’s hard not to yell.

Now for the Tahiti soap (aka the stuff that probably is good in essence, but got all over my suitcase and so even though it made stuff smell good didn’t mean everything wasn’t a disaster.)

the group in Dingle

Eventually I got into Shannon. It was dark and cloudy and I was not looking to finding the stupid train station to find the stupid town to get to the stupid hostel. I was more than pleasantly surprised when I went through the doors after the baggage claim and my professors were standing there to greet me. They helped me to exchange my money and led me to the bus where the other students greeted me with a thunderous applause. For a few glorious moments, I was the center of attention and people told me how much they cared and were worried for me. And for the rest of the night we talked like we were actually friends.

cows

Then we went to Supermac’s. And they had no dollar menu. I was hungry but I didn’t want to spend my hard earned money on a ten dollar combo meal, so I bought a 3 dollar cheeseburger! 3 FLIPPIN’ DOLLARS! And I decided right then and there that I am only buying one meal a day, and I will just snack for the other meals if I have to. But I am also going to spread my snacks throughout the whole trip, so yeah.

Oh and to make things that much better I missed the castle. Everyone assured me that it wasn’t that great, but I know they were just trying to make me feel better. And after I found out my soap had gotten all over my socks and underwear, I rubbed and rubbed them until all the soap came off- but so did some of the skin on the top of my fingers. So that was delightful. But we did walk around the block and that actually was pretty great. It’s gorgeous here.

Muckross House

Ross Castle- my first!

I couldn’t sleep well last night- I woke up at 2:30 and couldn’t fall asleep again until about 5:30.  It’s like it doesn’t get dark. I think it finally does around 10:30 and then starts getting light again around 2:30. It’s weird. Then I woke up at 6:45 to go running with two other girls. We only went for about a mile, but it was pretty and it was good to stretch my legs. I was starving during the night and when I woke up and went running I was so thirsty I thought I was going to die. When it was time for breakfast, I chugged an entire glass of orange juice before my toast was done cooking. (I got my water bottle filled pretty soon after that, no worries.) I had two toasts- one with jam and one with marmalade. It was good but not filling. The bus drive afterward was really bumpy and made me feel carsick, but we played Spot It and President. We stopped a lot along the way to take pictures. Sometimes we had our arms around each other like we were all best buds, sometimes we didn’t. It was a little awkward. Then we stopped in Dingle to eat and I ate at a pub for the first time. It was just a tuna sandwich, the cheapest thing. Only slightly weird, because they mix corn into it. Then we visited the Muckross House, where Queen Victoria once visited. Then I got to see my first real castle! The Ross Castle. It wasn’t as impressive as I would have thought originally, but it was pretty great. We got to the new hostel in Trellany and went to a pub that I didn’t eat at. Then we went to a ruined abbey and that was pretty neat. And now it’s time for bed. Goodnight!

Yay, Ireland!

Russell Smith the Magnificent

Russell is the perfect match for me in so many ways. We don't fight. I cannot remember a single time that we ever spoke in such a way as to hurt each other's feelings and if we ever unintentionally hurt each other, we always made it up so quickly it's as if it never even happened. We've had some pretty serious and intense conversations, it's true, but they have never caused ill feelings and we tried our best to see each other's point of view.

Russell breaking into my apartment for me when I forgot my key. Isn't he the greatest?

Because that's what Russell does. He tries to understand everything. If he cannot really see from a certain person's point of view, he tries to put himself in their shoes and see as they see. It doesn't always work, and he's the first to admit that he doesn't know everything and sometimes has a hard time seeing how other's brains work. But he thinks about everything. He carefully picks apart everything around him, everything he says, and everything he does.

One of my favorite words in the whole world is "potential." And Russell has a lot of it. He is incredibly talented and was well brought up. And he is always trying to improve himself. This is one of my favorite qualities in a person, as it is something I try to develop in myself.
He told me once that his greatest desire in the world is to know everything. This is something I've always really wanted, but never really acknowledged out loud. Like, I've told people that when I'm rich I'm going to have the biggest library ever and I'm going to spend all my time reading, but I don't usually tell them that I want a lot of technical, historical, and educational books. I, too, want to know everything there is to know. But I realize you can only know so much in this life and that we will learn everything after we die.

But that's beside the point. Back to Russell. He has a sense of humor similar to my family's. I'm pretty dang sure that if he were to meet them, everyone would get along swimmingly and that it would be the most natural thing in the world for him to be a part of my family. 

He's also a good mix of romantic and realistic, which is a good balance for me, since I tend to romanticize way too much. For example, after completely ruining one of my favorite chick flicks (Never Been Kissed) for me, I told him that he made me not believe in love anymore. And he told me that he believes in love, but that what they show in the chick flicks is not love. Which I knew deep down, but it's so much more fun pretending. So, he's usually logical like that. But then every once in a while, his inner poet appears and he tells me something so beautiful and romantic that it's like prince charming showed up on my porch with a bouquet of flowers. Also, one of my favorite things about Russell is how he gets so excited about the thought of getting married after having had a big engagement proposal. He wants his wedding to be big; he wants everyone in the world to know that he loves a girl and he managed to win her heart and now they will be each others and only each others forever. He's going to make it a big deal. And I love that.

He is one of the kindest people you will ever meet (even if he is sometimes a little disrespectful, like all men are). He genuinely cares about a lot of people and tries to make people comfortable around him by being generously inviting. He doesn't really change his personality according to who he is around, like some people. People like me. I am much more comfortable in some situations than in others. And I act differently according to who I am around, how many people are around, and what's going on. But I love the person that I am when I'm with Russell. I feel like he is the only person I can truly be myself around completely. I mean, I am myself around my family, but I sometimes don't like the person I am when I'm with my family. I feel like I can be annoying and stupid. I know I have a shorter fuse around them. But with Russell, I am so many of the things I want to be at all times. And Russell makes me want to be a better person.

So, how did I get to know the amazing person who is Russell Smith? It all started in Brother Hilton's New Testament class Spring of 2012. I had noticed Russell before, but I had never talked to him. He was definitely a man, but it was weird that so much man could fit into such a little body. It wasn't until I really got to know Russell that I realized that he was drowning in his clothes and his body isn't really oddly proportioned. So, for the first little while, I just thought he was a funny looking douchebag, with his baggy pants and his backwards hat.

One day, I was carrying my drawing board with me to class and he asked if he could see my drawings. So I showed him my sketch of the statues next to the MOA and asked if he could tell where it was. I was a little disheartened when he said no, but it was all made right when he explained that he'd never been there before, so he wouldn't have recognized it. He then introduced himself (mentioning Russell Crowe to help me remember his name) and that was pretty much the substance of our first conversation. After that, he often sat next to me in class. I don't remember many of our conversations, but I know we talked about him maybe joining the military and how his major is chemistry. There were also a few times he would walk me to work or to my next class, depending on the day. I had kind of expected to give me a hug eventually, but we never got past the fist bump.

I was the one who looked him up on the Learning Suite list to find his last name and then find him on Facebook. It didn't take me long to realize that he was more of a dork than a douchebag and I really wanted to get to know him because he looked so fun. But I was afraid that since I am the boring person I am, he wouldn't want to get to know me.

I was wrong. Our first lunch date was at Taco Bell. He ordered the Doritos box and I had a few soft tacos. My food was so messy and I was trying desperately not to make too much of a mess. Luckily he didn't notice that time too much, although he's made mention of my eating habits every time since. He finally asked for my phone number once after taking me to the HFAC and we looked around at all the displays. He told me that he didn't get art, but if I wanted to that he could take me around all the little things to do in the Eyring Science Center, his favorite building. I thought that would be a great idea, but we didn't end up doing that until we'd been dating for a while.

Around finals time, we had a study date. He had some cool tricks to help me remember things for the test, so I thought it was weird that I scored higher than he did. ;) I wasn't sure if it was really a date or not (he told me later that he wasn't sure either, because he was still deciding if he liked me or not) but I was a little confused when his roommate starting talking about how Russell owed him dinner and the first thing that popped into my head was that they must do that thing where you get your apartment candy or dinner after whatever (holding hands, kissing, going out, etc) happens. But that kind of melted away after we played some Mario Kart and Tony Hawk on the Nintendo 64. 

Then Spring term ended and he stopped going to school for the summer. A few weeks into the term, I went to start my car in the morning and it made the most horrific noises and I was so afraid for my life that the car was going to blow up. Luckily, a lovely soul saw my distress and he took me to school that morning. On the walk home after class, I texted pretty much every single boy in Provo in my phone to help me. Scott referred me to Craig who helped as much as he could over the phone, but Russell was the only one who offered to come and look at it. Of course, when he came and turned the ignition, the car worked fine. He joked that I didn't have to fake car problems if I wanted to see him. He suggested a car place and said he'd pick me up if I needed help. So later that week, I took my car to the place and spent the day with Russell. We had some Pita Pit, talked about some serious things, and then spent the rest of the day in his apartment where he played the piano and the ukelele and sang songs for me. He showed me the ones he or his friends had written and he taught me the basic chords on the uke. I was so amazed by him that day and the amazement never died down. I was so mesmerized that I accidentally missed one of my classes and didn't realize it until I was at work, and it threw off my schedule so much because I never miss class.

I didn't talk to him for a long time after that, because I was going out with Scott. But right after Scott and I broke up, I had a conversation with Will (my German speaking partner) in which he said that he worked cleaning carpets at the Tanner building, which is where Russell worked over the spring. So I texted Russell asking if he knew Will (he didn't, because by that time he'd gotten his ROTC secretary job) and things went off from there. We had a date that Friday, and I knew by the way we were flirting over text that he was going to kiss me that night. It made me unsure of whether or not I wanted to go, but I decided to just do it. We were going to go dancing, but (luckily for me since I can't dance) ended up watching a movie instead. After that night, we started spending ever spare moment we had with each other. I saw him every day the next week, but we'd had a few serious conversations, mostly about the church, in which we got to know each other in a way I don't think either of us knew other people. And that next Sunday, we mutually decided to break up, because we knew it wouldn't work out. I felt I needed someone I could marry in the temple and he needed someone who could accept him wholeheartedly without the gospel.

I cried the entire next day. It fogged up my contacts (or maybe salted them up?) and gave my cheeks a rash. And I'm sure it was an interesting sight for anyone in any of my classes if they looked over and saw me silently crying every now and then. And then I saw him in between classes and new that in two days I could "accidentally" run into him. And I did. We saw each other outside of class and it was awkward and I just wanted him to sweep me up into his arms and then he started texting me every day again and eventually asked if we could hang out. I had a t shirt I needed to return to him anyway, so I agreed to it. Sarah threw daggers at me with her eyes when she saw him coming to pick me up, since when I had come home crying the night we broke up it was the first time I'd ever let her see me cry and she thought it was a bad idea to go with him. We drove around and talked, got out for a little while and looked at the stars until we heard scary noises in the bushes and had to run away. And he was being all romantic and I couldn't help but like him. So we left things up in the air when I went inside for the night, and when he texted me asking what he should tell his roommates about us, I said I would be fine with us trying to date again.

We would still sometimes talk about spiritual things, but we never really had any more serious conversations about our future for a long time. Neither of us wanted to hurt and neither of us wanted to end it, so we just enjoyed each other's company. I spent every spare moment I could with him. We did the Provo Treasure Hunt together. We followed clues to the most random of places. I deciphered one of them at like two in the morning and promptly called him all excited and we woke up at like five the next morning and went out in the cold to walk the Provo River Trail. We had a lot of fun working out the clues and searching together, even though we never found the treasure.

We watched a lot of movies and spent a lot of time on the couches in his apartment. Most of that time we were supposed to be doing homework, but we'd end up talking or playing games instead. He completed a Nancy Drew game with me. We went to a haunted house on the weekend before Halloween, during which I screamed like a girl and squeezed his hand to death, which was uncharacteristic of me. On Halloween, he dressed up in a morph suit as an angry bird and I dressed as Dorothy. That night, I wore his sweats under my dress to work (since we are required to wear pants) and I didn't give them back for a long time.

We played some Xbox and some Wii and some WiiU. I get close to beating him in Just Dance and I absolutely cream him at Cooking Mama. We compete in Bike Race and Tetris and Bejeweled Blitz. I would sit and do homework or lie on the floor and sleep in the dungeon of the math building where he would spend hours programming after he switched his major to Computer Science. He made me cut his hair. I gave him a punk rock look, but he said he felt like a poser so he cut it all off. I like it a little bit longer.

We've eaten countless 5 dollar pizzas. He's cooked even more potatoes for me. He was always making sure I was fed. I only cooked him two meals that I can remember- chicken pillows (with fake mashed potatoes, which he hates, and green beans, when he doesn't eat vegetables, haha, so that was a bust) and asian food (sweet and sour chicken with cream cheese wantons and potstickers). We decided now that we are going to eat healthy and work out every day.

He asked me once what my goals were and how he could help me improve myself. He is also so supportive and once for a little while, he would remind me every day to read a couple of news stories, since that was one of the main areas I wanted to work on.

He did the most amazing things for the 12 Days of Christmas, starting things off with a dozen roses and setting up a treasure hunt with clues. A few things went awry, but it was fun while it lasted. You could tell he put a lot of thought and effort in it. He always gets so focused on things and gives 110%. Which, admittedly, can sometimes be a bad thing. He completely zones out sometimes when he's focused. Especially when he's watching tv. There is no talking to Zombie Russell when his attention is focused on the television.

But all of his great qualities make up for it. We've spent a lot of time with his Grandma and he is so good to her. He also is good with people, very intuitive, and gives a lot of valuable insights into his family's lives and the lives of other people around us. He is always encouraging me to think, and I appreciate that.

I guess there's a reason he calls himself Russell Smith the Magnificent.

Confessions

So, these are just things that have been on my mind lately. Don't judge me.

• A lot of my life, I have had a better experience with non-members than with members of the church. I don't think that they are bad people or that the Church breeds them a certain way or anything, I have just had more good friends who aren't members than those who are. Not all members are this way (in fact most of them aren't) but I think one of the biggest traps they can fall into  is becoming too exclusive, forgetting to involve other people who aren't their normal crowd, people who don't believe the same things as they do, and thinking that just because they have the true gospel in their lives, it somehow makes God love them more than other people. But it's not true. I think that sometimes they forget that others, even the ones who make really, really bad choices, are still people. God loves everyone and he wants every single person to be saved. Even the democrats. Hear that Dad? God loves Barack Obama just as much as He loves you. ;) We are all people: imperfect sinners, but each of us has a divine nature and our souls are worth so so much. I think that that's one of the main things that have solidified for me while dating someone without a strong testimony of the Church.
• I hate it when Dad says you can't be a member of the church and a democrat. Of course you can, as there are democrat members, although they often get a lot of flack for it. And sometimes I think the Democrats have it right where Republicans fall short. At least their hearts are in the right place. I often like to classify Democrats as idealistic and Republicans as realistic. But, as Mormons, we try to live idealistically, right? The world isn't perfect, but we are supposed to try to live as if it were because that's what we want it to be. Then maybe the Democrats aren't so wrong about some things.
• You know who else says you can't do this and be that? President Joseph Fielding Smith. He says you cannot believe in both Jesus and evolution. Does that make members who reconcile the two, like my aunt and uncle (who is a bishop) bad people or weak members? It doesn't, you say? But they are picking and choosing doctrines to believe. You aren't allowed to do that. You either accept it all or you are a bad person. I don't usually question prophets' teachings, but sometimes I think some of the church's doctrines are a little close-minded. And it can be confusing when general authorities don't agree with each other. Or when the church puts out new official statements that denounce old ones, like with the death penalty. If the gospel is true and unchanging, how come sometimes the Church's stance changes? These are hard questions to answer. And often, they can't be answered. At least, not in this life. How come I am still a member then? Some things you have to put in a little box and put it away. Don't think about it anymore. Some things are just out of human comprehension and even if you got the answer, you would feel like you wouldn't, because you wouldn't understand it. I have just realized that the things that are confusing or seem to conflict aren't important to my salvation, so it doesn't matter. I'll learn everything eventually. But in the here and now, the general authorities don't disagree on the things that are necessary to be saved and go to the celestial kingdom. So I choose to focus on those things instead.
• So, despite any confusion I may have now and again, I know I can't ever leave the Church. Even if sometimes the people suck or the doctrine is confusing when you get really deep. I know Jesus atoned for our sins and that God loves me and that being baptized into this church was the right thing to do. Most of the Church is so logical and ordered, all of it based on Jesus's life and teachings. Everything else doesn't matter.
• It's just so sad that so few people are going to be saved. And it's their own fault, not God's, not Jesus's, not their parent's or their friends' or anyone else's. The laws are the laws, like the rules in a game. You can't just change them partway. So if you want all of the blessings, you have to make the right decisions. It's really not that hard. But I think it being so easy is also what makes it so hard. It's not that hard to do the little things. But since they are so little, we get into the mindset that they don't really matter. But they do. This short time we have on earth will determine so much of our life in the hereafter- the little choices add  up.
• Sometimes I despair and I think that since the world is so full of confusion and trials, why in the world would I want to bring children here so they could be subjected to the same torture? Why should I risk another soul's being damned? And what is being damned anyway? Someone explained to me that not being with God when you could have is damnation. Yes, that would be hell. But, then I read that damnation is an eternity of not progressing. How do you not progress, when all you have on your hands is time? And how could relationships not be brought over from this life into the next if you are in one of the "T" kingdoms? You can't just forget about everyone you've met. I understand marriage not being brought over, since it's an institution that is needed to become a god. But relationships? Your personality won't change when you die. Why would anything change about the way you feel about different people?
• I will love Russell forever. Even if I end up marrying someone else or he does and I'm forever single. Granted, it may become less of a prominent and strong emotion if it's not being constantly fed, but he has impacted my life so much and I will never forget him. In fact, look for a blog post solely about him soon.

You know you're out of shape when...

no one honks at you the way they would for those skinny girls who run in their sports bras.

people are rolling down the windows of their cars to shout words of encouragement at you during your run. You're only going around the block.

you are afraid you won't outrun the scary, old dog lounging on the porch at the beginning of your run, should it suddenly and inexplicably decide to lunge at you.

after the first two steps, you're heart feels like a skinny nerd trying to lift a sumo wrestler off of the couch.

your uphill jog is slower than your walk would have been.

you qualify every hill as "the ultimate-get-in-shape" hill.

by the time your run is over, you can tell from your shadow that you look like an old, hunched-over lady.

you congratulate yourself for only stopping four times.

you wake up sweating from only a dream in which all these things occurred.

you decide to make your dream a reality and leave the house to go running but come back after two minutes because you forgot something. You forgot that you're fat and can't run for more than two minutes.

every time you go into the kitchen, you panic while you quickly put your food together because you don't want to get caught eating something you know you shouldn't.

each time your mom asks "who ate [insert sweet here]," you are the guilty one. Even if you don't admit it.

you are making fake mashed potatoes for your mom and you accidentally refer to the "potato flakes" as "potato chips."

you begin to salivate as you realize that the brown couch you've been playing Zelda on all day looks like chocolate.

Breakups

When guys break up with you, why do they ask, "Are you okay with that?" What are you supposed to say to that? Well, duh! No! Of course it's not okay. If I wanted us to break up, I would be the one doing the breaking, not you. But you can't really say no and act all desperate. That'd only make things worse. I don't understand. It's a trap. That's all I have to say about that.