So, I've been trying to decide why I'm so stressed out, and here's what I came up with.
Full time school. (Not to mention my teachers this term are a lot harder than the ones last term. And I have a daily 8 o'clock class now.)
Full time work. (Yes, I inflicted this upon myself, but I really REALLY want to go on a study abroad to England next semester.)
Trying to change myself socially. It's hard to try to change your very nature. But it's something I've been wanting to do with myself for a long time and I am finally making my fantasy a reality. I'm caring more, I am having a more positive outlook on life, and I am making friends. It's great!
Trying to change myself spiritually without any support from my roommates. I know I shouldn't/can't depend on anyone else for my spirituality, but I feel like it would be easier to do if my roommates went to church with me. And also if Sarah believed more along the lines of what I do. Sarah is the one I'm around the most, but there are a lot of things we don't agree on. Sometimes this helps my testimony grow stronger, sometimes it just frustrates me.
Karsen breaking up with me. I really like Karsen, in case you couldn't tell from my last post. And it's hard for me not knowing why he doesn't think we'd last together. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, and I should have asked more questions in the moment, but I totally haven't reacted to this situation the way I should have. I know I should just accept his decision- some days I do (I know I need more dating experience before I can commit to anyone), other days I don't (I really would like to be his and for him to be mine).
I have to keep paying for unexpected costs. Utilities got pushed through the roof, and I heard it was in order to make up for the money Centennial is losing because they lowered their summer rent for some people. Food is more expensive than I expected, especially when things go bad so fast. The car is broken and I have to go get that fixed. Gifts for people. Clothes, because none of mine fit anymore. All kinds of random things. I HATE how much money I've spent the past month. It's disgusting.
I had a stressful shopping day on Saturday. I hate shopping, but I always forget to what extent until I go again.
I haven't seen my family since Christmas.
And last but not least, I'm on my period. Lovely, no?
So, that's why I'm stressed. Although, if I do say so myself, I think I've handled it pretty well. I try to keep a positive attitude, and I've felt happier most days than I have in a long while, despite the road bumps. When I'm really frustrated, I usually run instead of eating myself to death like I normally would. And Carly commented today how she thinks I handle everything well; I was even fairly under control when the car made unbelievably loud noises and I was afraid it was going to blow up. Haha. :D I try not to complain (except to Mom, I feel like I unload a lot on her- Sorry, Mom!) and I don't cry in front of anyone (also except to Mom).
Needless to say, I cannot wait until I get to see my family in July and have a mini break from life up here.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Karsen
It might be a little creeperish of me to do this, but writing this blog post about Karsen has really helped me to appreciate the experience and accept the fact that it's over.
First, a little background. Karsen is pretty much all anyone could ever ask for in a guy. He's a romantic and a blue on the color test, so he's really good with talking, feeling, and expressing emotion without being awkwardly feminine about it. He has a strong testimony of the gospel, which shows in both his words and his actions and he is constantly working to make his life more spiritual. He is a hard worker and values education. He is musically gifted; he sings like an angel and he has experience on stage. His social skills are unbeatable- he could put anyone around him at ease and since he actually cares about people so much, it's kinda hard not to like him. Now of course, he's not perfect. But he is undoubtedly a great guy. And that's even without his good fashion sense and amazingly good looks (which you can't tell by looking at this picture. It definitely doesn't do him justice). However, this isn't why I wanted to write a post about him.
Karsen told me when he broke things off that if I'm doing all the things I should be- praying and studying my scriptures diligently and taking the sacrament with purpose- then God will open up opportunities to me. I've been a lot better about that kind of thing lately and I had sincerely thought he was my opportunity. And well, I guess he was, in a way. He helped me to stop thinking of Cody and to get over him completely, which is one of the greatest blessings anyone could give me. He also made me think about who I want to be and why I wanted to be that person, which inadvertently helped me to accept some things about myself and gave me motivation to change others. He also always encouraged me to take risks- not stupid ones, but worthwhile ones- which I appreciate. It is something else I've been meaning to work on because I hate living with regret and I have done it for far too long in my life. So even though we didn't work out, he's affected me more than he will ever know.
If there's anything I learned from this relationship, it's that I need to work on my communication more. I've always believed that communication is key- it literally is what will make or break any relationship. I feel like I'm usually pretty good about letting people know when they make me happy, but if I get annoyed, angry, or sad with anyone outside of my family, I just shut down. I don't let people see me cry and I often don't know what to say in difficult situations because I'm so scared of things getting worse than they already are. How are people supposed to get to know me if I block out half of my emotions, if I just let things play out without putting in my two cents? I don't usually share too much about myself for fear of rejection, looking stupid, or just feeling like what I have to say isn't worth anyone's time. I was that way with Karsen a lot, and so it's my own fault that he doesn't really know me. But I would like him to. And honestly, he might like who I am and he might not, but I shouldn't have been afraid to take the chance while I had it. He would have been worth it. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter anymore because that ship seems to have sailed. I'm just glad I got to take a quick tour while it was in port.
Spring 2012 Realizations
Ew. So, reading through the last couple of blog posts, I realized that I've become lazy and unentertaining in my more recent posts. Who wants to read about my lame-o life if I am just rushing through the details and not pretending to have the wonderful life you all think I have? ;) Yes, this blog is more for me than it is for you, but I think I am going to try to make it more fun to read, anyway. You know, sharpen my writing skillz. And I made a goal for myself that I will write everyday; not necessarily a journal entry type blog post, but at least the Figment daily themes I get in my email that I've been ignoring. Would you guys give me feedback if I put up random writing on here?
So, call me crazy, but I decided to stay in Provo for the summer. I took three classes Spring term- Deutsch 101, Drawing 101, and New Testament (the Gospels). Basically here's how my day went every day:
wake up at 8,
run,
shower,
get ready for the day,
do homework,
go to school,
go to work,
come home and go to sleep,
rinse and repeat.
Exciting stuff, huh? I know, I know. You're all super-jeal about my life. But that's not even the best part. On the weekends (and sometimes even during the week, in place of homework) I actually went on DATES!! Eeeek! Who knew boys could actually be interested in me?!
Truth be told, I did. I don't hate myself the way I sometimes say I do. I just am not so confident in my abilities. I know I DO have things to offer, I CAN socialize, I have talents and am just as worthwhile as anyone else and not any more so. Up until recently, I had just let the fear of rejection hamper my life. I overthink things and I take a long time to open up to people.
However, I've really been trying to change my life into how I want it to be. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I should enjoy each day as it comes to me, which is something I have issues with. I can sometimes be too forward-thinking and forget to have fun in the meantime, to make relationships, and to just relax. I am stressed all the time, that's just how my life is- but that's not how my life has to be! "Life should be enjoyed, not just endured." So I've decided to care less about what people think of me and to just care about them instead. I finally have a formula for making friends, and it works.
I have also made goals to work on myself in other ways. I am trying to eat healthier. I exercise regularly. I try to keep my things organized and the apartment clean. I pay particular attention in class and do my homework, trying my hardest to retain what I learn, and not just until the test. I attend all my church meetings, even if I am going alone. I read my scriptures every day and listen to a few Conference talks while I work. I really am trying.
But it's time for me to take it a step further- to clean up my life. Now it's not like I have major issues I need to overcome, but I've realized that I've become complacent with where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come- I've grown a lot over the past few years- but there's always room to do better.
Like for instance: I have a strong testimony. I know the Church is true and I try to live my life according to that knowledge. But how often do I vocalize it? I tend not to voice my beliefs if has even a slight chance of offending someone else. But if it's the truth, I shouldn't be ashamed to share it. I hardly ever bear my testimony and I only rarely comment in Sunday School. Would people really know that I'm a Mormon if they only watched me for a little while? If I were on trial for being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict me?
Also, I need to go through my music and take a lot of it out. I tell myself a lot that my music is okay- it's just that one part that swears and I always skip it. Or I really need my intense music for when I'm frustrated. But that's wrong. We are commanded to be like Jesus, yet I react to situations in a completely different way than Jesus would. I cannot see Jesus whipping out his angry music playlist and sulking when something isn't going the way he wants it to. Someone once told me that when we are upset, we turn inward, but Jesus would turn outward. Like when John the Baptist died, Jesus went out and served other people. That's how I need to be when I am having an off day. But back to music. I want to get rid of anything that gives me bad feelings and talks about bad things. It's going to be hard for me because I love my music and I'm so used to doing things the way I currently am. But no man can serve two masters, and ultimately this will be good for me. We always tell ourselves that there will be time later to change, but the time is now. How we imagine our lives to be is not just some silly fairy tale- we can shape our lives into something great if we only start now. Part of that creation involves taking out imperfections. It is not actually okay to have our "guilty pleasures" if we want full access to the Spirit. It's a matter of good, better, best- and it's hard- but definitely necessary and not impossible. It's not like I'm going to go crazy and only listen to hymns. There are a lot of secular songs that are still uplifting and praiseworthy that can replace my intense stuff.
But... I'll get off my high horse now. These are just things that I have been pondering about a lot lately.
Oh, and here's a picture in case you guys were also having trouble believing I go out sometimes. ;) As for all the other hot dates I've been on, "Pictures only prove you can't convince." If you want the jg, you gotta ask me yourself.
So, call me crazy, but I decided to stay in Provo for the summer. I took three classes Spring term- Deutsch 101, Drawing 101, and New Testament (the Gospels). Basically here's how my day went every day:
wake up at 8,
run,
shower,
get ready for the day,
do homework,
go to school,
go to work,
come home and go to sleep,
rinse and repeat.
Exciting stuff, huh? I know, I know. You're all super-jeal about my life. But that's not even the best part. On the weekends (and sometimes even during the week, in place of homework) I actually went on DATES!! Eeeek! Who knew boys could actually be interested in me?!
Truth be told, I did. I don't hate myself the way I sometimes say I do. I just am not so confident in my abilities. I know I DO have things to offer, I CAN socialize, I have talents and am just as worthwhile as anyone else and not any more so. Up until recently, I had just let the fear of rejection hamper my life. I overthink things and I take a long time to open up to people.
However, I've really been trying to change my life into how I want it to be. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I should enjoy each day as it comes to me, which is something I have issues with. I can sometimes be too forward-thinking and forget to have fun in the meantime, to make relationships, and to just relax. I am stressed all the time, that's just how my life is- but that's not how my life has to be! "Life should be enjoyed, not just endured." So I've decided to care less about what people think of me and to just care about them instead. I finally have a formula for making friends, and it works.
- Focus on the good things about people. Even if your personalities don't exactly mix or you think they are obnoxious or you can't seem to stop comparing yourself to them, find ONE thing about them that you can appreciate and focus on that. It's true that very often, people just suck. But that doesn't mean you have to hate them or have a bad time because of them.
- Care about them and the things they say. Genuinely listen to things they tell them. You would want the same courtesy, wouldn't you? And when you are actually listening to their stories and ideas, conversation comes easily because you naturally have questions to ask to keep it going.
- Don't think too much and don't be afraid of looking stupid. Everyone says stupid things or asks stupid questions. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It just makes you human. If they are worth your friendship, they will accept the "bad" things about you along with the good. Because "those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter."
I have also made goals to work on myself in other ways. I am trying to eat healthier. I exercise regularly. I try to keep my things organized and the apartment clean. I pay particular attention in class and do my homework, trying my hardest to retain what I learn, and not just until the test. I attend all my church meetings, even if I am going alone. I read my scriptures every day and listen to a few Conference talks while I work. I really am trying.
But it's time for me to take it a step further- to clean up my life. Now it's not like I have major issues I need to overcome, but I've realized that I've become complacent with where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of how far I've come- I've grown a lot over the past few years- but there's always room to do better.
Like for instance: I have a strong testimony. I know the Church is true and I try to live my life according to that knowledge. But how often do I vocalize it? I tend not to voice my beliefs if has even a slight chance of offending someone else. But if it's the truth, I shouldn't be ashamed to share it. I hardly ever bear my testimony and I only rarely comment in Sunday School. Would people really know that I'm a Mormon if they only watched me for a little while? If I were on trial for being a Mormon, would there be enough evidence to convict me?
Also, I need to go through my music and take a lot of it out. I tell myself a lot that my music is okay- it's just that one part that swears and I always skip it. Or I really need my intense music for when I'm frustrated. But that's wrong. We are commanded to be like Jesus, yet I react to situations in a completely different way than Jesus would. I cannot see Jesus whipping out his angry music playlist and sulking when something isn't going the way he wants it to. Someone once told me that when we are upset, we turn inward, but Jesus would turn outward. Like when John the Baptist died, Jesus went out and served other people. That's how I need to be when I am having an off day. But back to music. I want to get rid of anything that gives me bad feelings and talks about bad things. It's going to be hard for me because I love my music and I'm so used to doing things the way I currently am. But no man can serve two masters, and ultimately this will be good for me. We always tell ourselves that there will be time later to change, but the time is now. How we imagine our lives to be is not just some silly fairy tale- we can shape our lives into something great if we only start now. Part of that creation involves taking out imperfections. It is not actually okay to have our "guilty pleasures" if we want full access to the Spirit. It's a matter of good, better, best- and it's hard- but definitely necessary and not impossible. It's not like I'm going to go crazy and only listen to hymns. There are a lot of secular songs that are still uplifting and praiseworthy that can replace my intense stuff.
But... I'll get off my high horse now. These are just things that I have been pondering about a lot lately.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Well...
I should write more often, because I don't remember all the details I wanted to post. So basically, here's what's up.
The past few weeks have been really busy because almost all of my classes have end-of-the-year projects. Some due on the same days. So I've been working on those a lot.
I basically have the apartment to myself most days. No one is here when I get home from school and they don't usually come back until right before or after I have to go to work. I hardly ever see Marley anymore, especially after she has a new boy she hangs out with.
One Saturday, I decided to go to a Wyview dance because I refused to be so lame that I didn't do anything. So I prayed beforehand that I could make some friends and not be so lonely. And I went. I got there like 5 minutes after it was supposed to start, but no one really showed up for the first hour. And by the time we left a coupla hours later, there were only like 50 kids. Lame-o. But yes, I said we. Because while I was sitting off against a wall, messing with my phone, trying to decide if I'd wait for more people to come or if I would just leave
and do whatever until Sarah got off work so we could go see a movie, a boy came up and started talking to me.
We hung out all night, and I took him back to the apartment when Sarah decided we were going to go to a movie night instead of go out. But the host didn't want Josh's puppy there, so we just Netflixed Iron Man 2 instead and got free Burger King fries. He said we'd keep in touch, and we did. Then last week he took me to this dance practice performance, but the date was short because he had a paper to work on and so did I. But I invited him to eat cinnamon rolls and watch Conference with us yesterday, so he was over from 10 to 5 yesterday. Sarah left at like 12:30 and didn't come back until, like 4, so while she was gone, we played cards and Wii (Just Dance!) and watched the second session alone.
Today I am completely alone watching Conference, but I don't mind because I am in my pajamas and greasy hair with no one to bug me and nothing to worry about. Well, I still worry about things, but I'm trying not to think about them right now.
The past few weeks have been really busy because almost all of my classes have end-of-the-year projects. Some due on the same days. So I've been working on those a lot.
I basically have the apartment to myself most days. No one is here when I get home from school and they don't usually come back until right before or after I have to go to work. I hardly ever see Marley anymore, especially after she has a new boy she hangs out with.
One Saturday, I decided to go to a Wyview dance because I refused to be so lame that I didn't do anything. So I prayed beforehand that I could make some friends and not be so lonely. And I went. I got there like 5 minutes after it was supposed to start, but no one really showed up for the first hour. And by the time we left a coupla hours later, there were only like 50 kids. Lame-o. But yes, I said we. Because while I was sitting off against a wall, messing with my phone, trying to decide if I'd wait for more people to come or if I would just leave
and do whatever until Sarah got off work so we could go see a movie, a boy came up and started talking to me.We hung out all night, and I took him back to the apartment when Sarah decided we were going to go to a movie night instead of go out. But the host didn't want Josh's puppy there, so we just Netflixed Iron Man 2 instead and got free Burger King fries. He said we'd keep in touch, and we did. Then last week he took me to this dance practice performance, but the date was short because he had a paper to work on and so did I. But I invited him to eat cinnamon rolls and watch Conference with us yesterday, so he was over from 10 to 5 yesterday. Sarah left at like 12:30 and didn't come back until, like 4, so while she was gone, we played cards and Wii (Just Dance!) and watched the second session alone.
Today I am completely alone watching Conference, but I don't mind because I am in my pajamas and greasy hair with no one to bug me and nothing to worry about. Well, I still worry about things, but I'm trying not to think about them right now.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Real Quick
This week went by real quick. Work was slow, but not as slow as last week, so it wasn't so bad.
On Monday, Danny took me to lunch (Subway- he ate two footlongs and said he could have downed another!) and we had a nice little DTR. We decided we're dating but not "dating," but he doesn't want to call it an open relationship because that seems too much like friends with benefits. A little confusing, but whatever. I think I know how we stand now.
I've been going to bed later and later every night, mostly because the homework is starting to pile up. For most of my classes, we have big projects due at the end of the semester, so now we're starting to work on them all at once. But I still fit in fun time, whether it be watching movies with the roommies or just browsing the internet all alone.
I took a boy in my ward up to his house in Pleasant Grove on Wednesday. He'd been begging people to take him up for a couple of days and since I wasn't doing anything, I offered him a ride. It turns out it was so that he could give his mom a blessing (his first, since he'd only just received the Melchizedek Priestood), so I was much happier to help after I found that out. His family was very friendly and treated me like I was part of the family right off the bat. His parents are writers, and his dad said he's always looking for free-lance editors if I'm interested. But I kind of turned the offer down because I was afraid to accept and then totally screw up since I have absolutely zero experience with, like, professional editing. He also has a little almost two-year-old sister, and since I haven't been around kids for a while, I automatically took her in my lap and played with her. She was so cute! When Zach actually got around to giving the blessing, I kind of felt like I was intruding a little. But the Spirit was really strong and his parents seemed really grateful.
I got Sons of Provo in the mail and made my roommates watch it with me and then took it to work and had it play there for Jason, too. I love that movie. :)
Last night, Sarah threw a little "party" with some friends from work. We had cake and pie and watched Phantom of the Opera. It was fun but... at the beginning of yesterday I weighed 128. This morning I weighed 130 again. :/ Oh WHALE! I WILL look great by June ;)
On Monday, Danny took me to lunch (Subway- he ate two footlongs and said he could have downed another!) and we had a nice little DTR. We decided we're dating but not "dating," but he doesn't want to call it an open relationship because that seems too much like friends with benefits. A little confusing, but whatever. I think I know how we stand now.
I've been going to bed later and later every night, mostly because the homework is starting to pile up. For most of my classes, we have big projects due at the end of the semester, so now we're starting to work on them all at once. But I still fit in fun time, whether it be watching movies with the roommies or just browsing the internet all alone.
I took a boy in my ward up to his house in Pleasant Grove on Wednesday. He'd been begging people to take him up for a couple of days and since I wasn't doing anything, I offered him a ride. It turns out it was so that he could give his mom a blessing (his first, since he'd only just received the Melchizedek Priestood), so I was much happier to help after I found that out. His family was very friendly and treated me like I was part of the family right off the bat. His parents are writers, and his dad said he's always looking for free-lance editors if I'm interested. But I kind of turned the offer down because I was afraid to accept and then totally screw up since I have absolutely zero experience with, like, professional editing. He also has a little almost two-year-old sister, and since I haven't been around kids for a while, I automatically took her in my lap and played with her. She was so cute! When Zach actually got around to giving the blessing, I kind of felt like I was intruding a little. But the Spirit was really strong and his parents seemed really grateful.
I got Sons of Provo in the mail and made my roommates watch it with me and then took it to work and had it play there for Jason, too. I love that movie. :)
Last night, Sarah threw a little "party" with some friends from work. We had cake and pie and watched Phantom of the Opera. It was fun but... at the beginning of yesterday I weighed 128. This morning I weighed 130 again. :/ Oh WHALE! I WILL look great by June ;)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
This Week
This week was pretty uneventful. It was super long since last week was so short. Work was really light because the baseball boys were out of town. So Jason cleaned carpets upstairs while I cleaned the entire downstairs. We still got done early every day.
School is going pretty good. I have a lot of midterms coming up and an essay due on Tuesday, but I'm sure I'll be able to balance everything.
I finally got my new Zune, but this one doesn't want to work, either. :/
There's not really anything else to report.
Ya'll should update your blogs. :)
School is going pretty good. I have a lot of midterms coming up and an essay due on Tuesday, but I'm sure I'll be able to balance everything.
I finally got my new Zune, but this one doesn't want to work, either. :/
There's not really anything else to report.
Ya'll should update your blogs. :)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
No Title
This week went by pretty quickly, since we didn't have school on Monday. But it was a pretty bad week for all of us. Sarah and Josh broke up on Sunday night, so for Sarah it was greatly warranted. But I must say, Sarah is one of the strongest people I know. She has handled a lot of crap and with a good face. I just wish there was more I could do for her. But due to my lack of social skills and life experience, I'm just not good at helping people with their problems.
Marley has been having some boy issues, too, and dealing with a bout of depression and low self-esteem. I feel bad because I didn't even notice the night she was up because she was too upset to sleep. I must be a heavier sleeper than I thought. :/
As for me, I'm always dealing with depression and low self-esteem, but I'd been handling it pretty well lately. Until yesterday, when something just snapped. I don't even know why. Marley and I were just at a Relief Society activity. As usual, the fact that I have no friends was accentuated and so I sat with a couple of girls I kind of knew but wasn't really friends with. One of them was my visiting teacher. Marley left early to go take a test. It was kind of quiet between me and the other girls, but I wasn't feeling too bad because I was doing service. But then my visiting teacher asked me what my name was. Right after she let it out, though, you could tell by her face that she felt bad for asking because she knew she should recognize me. I reminded her of my name and she apologized, and you could tell that she felt bad, and I felt bad, too. Luckily, breakfast was ready soon after that. I ate at a corner of a table by myself (because the girls I sat next to were too intent in their own conversation to notice me and all the other empty chairs had jackets or purses on them) and all of the stupid, depressing thoughts and emotions that cloud my life swept in at once. I ate quickly and then rushed to the bathroom so no one would see me crying. And then I called Mom and proceeded to bawl in her ear (while walking around the block in the cold wind because I didn't want Sarah back at home to hear me crying either) and tell her about how I'd been feeling. I'm lucky to have such a great mom that I can call whenever I need to. If I didn't have my family, I wouldn't have anything.
But other than that minor breakdown yesterday, this week wasn't too bad.
Monday- I hiked the Y (for the first time!) with Sariah and Jamie, two girls in my building. It was a lot steeper than I thought, but it was good exercise. And there was snow everywhere, so when we got there, it was hard to make out the Y, but at least I can still say that I did it! The rest of the day was whatever until Sarah kinda sorta yelled at me that night. It was the first time we'd ever really fought about anything. I don't like confrontation, so I tried to be calm and stuff, but really for the most part I just didn't know what to say. Like I said, I'm a social disaster. But luckily, when things took a turn to the more serious, Marley came out and helped with the discussion. She's a lot better at the talking thing than I am.
Tuesday- We had Monday classes. Nothing eventful happened that I can remember.
Wednesday- I didn't work out after classes and I ate a lot of junk food... oops.
Thursday- Was super long because I hadn't been to my long classes for a week. But I don't think anything eventful happened that day, either.
Friday- While I was working out, I saw Danny at the gym. There I am, minding my own business, do dah do, and I look up and he's sitting at a machine facing me with a smile on his face, half laughing at the coincidence. It was the first time we'd seen each other in almost two weeks. And we haven't talked much, either. We had a couple of conversations over Facebook, talked about setting up a regular lunch time with each other but not actually doing it. We wave to each other and he finishes his workout routine. Then he walks over and asks when I'll be done. I tell him I just started, I've still got 40 more minutes to go. He says, oh, that's a long time. Well, some friends and I are going to play ultimate frisbee down by Wyview. Wanna come? And I say Sure, but I'm no good. And he says That's fine, most of the guys aren't any good either. So I'll call you with the time okay? And I say Sounds good and he leaves. And he never calls. Mom says I shouldn't give him the time of day, that the "relationship" was over before it started. But I tell her that his is the only attention I get from boys. She assures me that it's not worth it to spend the effort on someone who doesn't spend any effort on me and who doesn't deserve me. She says not to text him back or answer his calls and if we meet face to face to be cool about it. I'm just not used to treating people like that. I guess I let people walk all over me. But I'll try.
But anyways, Friday continued- We'd decided on Monday that we'd all go to Spark together on Friday night. So I got all dolled up and we left the apartment at 6:15ish. When we got to Spark it was pretty barren and we thought it'd be lame to go inside, so we decided we'd find something else to do. So we followed a van for a while (because it had a banner that said "The Party Just passed U," only they led us into a creepy neighborhood, so we stopped) and then went to In-and-Out. I got a whole combo- burger, fries, shake- because I'm a fatty and my roommates just got burgers and water, but whatever. I'd been fantasizing about fries for weeks and it was great to finally get them. Then some old dude came over and started talking to us about his company for a while, interjecting how he'd met a few famous people, and assuring us he wasn't just some 38 year old creeper who was hitting on 16 year olds. 16?! We are not 16, thank you very much. We are college-aged and proud! Well, that night was kind of a bust. Marley even said that after they went back to Spark while I was at work it wasn't great and I didn't miss anything. At work that night, I really only worked for like an hour and a half. We got all of the regular cleaning done, but then Taylor showed up at like 10 and talked to us for an hour about his other job and then took me to do inventory (during which I just stood there while he checked chemicals) and then it was time to go. It was great, and I totally think it made up for getting that stupid ticket last week.
Saturday- The Relief Society activity. Call with Mom. Listen to Madame Bovary for a few hours in my bed. Went to get frozen yogurt with Marley and Karen (who I need to be nicer to. Karen is always so sweet to me, and I don't reciprocate it well). Stake Conference adult meeting (alone). When I got home, the apartment was empty, so I texted and called a couple of people. I thought about going to the Winter Waltz, but I didn't want to go alone. (It turns out that Marley went with Karen and her roommate and they had a grand old time.) It was only 9ish by then, but I knew I wasn't going to end up going anywhere, so I took a shower. Not long after, Sarah came home with a couple of her friends and we all watched a movie together. For some reason I was feeling pretty talkative, so I actually had a good time drinking hot chocolate, eating brownies, and just chillin with everyone. I went to bed pretty content.
Now it's morning and I have to clean up the apartment so some people can come over and let me record them talking to my roommates for a class assignment.
PS I apologize if I offended anyone in my previous post (or any other post for that matter). Sometimes I can be a little too blunt in my writing.
Marley has been having some boy issues, too, and dealing with a bout of depression and low self-esteem. I feel bad because I didn't even notice the night she was up because she was too upset to sleep. I must be a heavier sleeper than I thought. :/
As for me, I'm always dealing with depression and low self-esteem, but I'd been handling it pretty well lately. Until yesterday, when something just snapped. I don't even know why. Marley and I were just at a Relief Society activity. As usual, the fact that I have no friends was accentuated and so I sat with a couple of girls I kind of knew but wasn't really friends with. One of them was my visiting teacher. Marley left early to go take a test. It was kind of quiet between me and the other girls, but I wasn't feeling too bad because I was doing service. But then my visiting teacher asked me what my name was. Right after she let it out, though, you could tell by her face that she felt bad for asking because she knew she should recognize me. I reminded her of my name and she apologized, and you could tell that she felt bad, and I felt bad, too. Luckily, breakfast was ready soon after that. I ate at a corner of a table by myself (because the girls I sat next to were too intent in their own conversation to notice me and all the other empty chairs had jackets or purses on them) and all of the stupid, depressing thoughts and emotions that cloud my life swept in at once. I ate quickly and then rushed to the bathroom so no one would see me crying. And then I called Mom and proceeded to bawl in her ear (while walking around the block in the cold wind because I didn't want Sarah back at home to hear me crying either) and tell her about how I'd been feeling. I'm lucky to have such a great mom that I can call whenever I need to. If I didn't have my family, I wouldn't have anything.
But other than that minor breakdown yesterday, this week wasn't too bad.
Monday- I hiked the Y (for the first time!) with Sariah and Jamie, two girls in my building. It was a lot steeper than I thought, but it was good exercise. And there was snow everywhere, so when we got there, it was hard to make out the Y, but at least I can still say that I did it! The rest of the day was whatever until Sarah kinda sorta yelled at me that night. It was the first time we'd ever really fought about anything. I don't like confrontation, so I tried to be calm and stuff, but really for the most part I just didn't know what to say. Like I said, I'm a social disaster. But luckily, when things took a turn to the more serious, Marley came out and helped with the discussion. She's a lot better at the talking thing than I am.
Tuesday- We had Monday classes. Nothing eventful happened that I can remember.
Wednesday- I didn't work out after classes and I ate a lot of junk food... oops.
Thursday- Was super long because I hadn't been to my long classes for a week. But I don't think anything eventful happened that day, either.
Friday- While I was working out, I saw Danny at the gym. There I am, minding my own business, do dah do, and I look up and he's sitting at a machine facing me with a smile on his face, half laughing at the coincidence. It was the first time we'd seen each other in almost two weeks. And we haven't talked much, either. We had a couple of conversations over Facebook, talked about setting up a regular lunch time with each other but not actually doing it. We wave to each other and he finishes his workout routine. Then he walks over and asks when I'll be done. I tell him I just started, I've still got 40 more minutes to go. He says, oh, that's a long time. Well, some friends and I are going to play ultimate frisbee down by Wyview. Wanna come? And I say Sure, but I'm no good. And he says That's fine, most of the guys aren't any good either. So I'll call you with the time okay? And I say Sounds good and he leaves. And he never calls. Mom says I shouldn't give him the time of day, that the "relationship" was over before it started. But I tell her that his is the only attention I get from boys. She assures me that it's not worth it to spend the effort on someone who doesn't spend any effort on me and who doesn't deserve me. She says not to text him back or answer his calls and if we meet face to face to be cool about it. I'm just not used to treating people like that. I guess I let people walk all over me. But I'll try.
But anyways, Friday continued- We'd decided on Monday that we'd all go to Spark together on Friday night. So I got all dolled up and we left the apartment at 6:15ish. When we got to Spark it was pretty barren and we thought it'd be lame to go inside, so we decided we'd find something else to do. So we followed a van for a while (because it had a banner that said "The Party Just passed U," only they led us into a creepy neighborhood, so we stopped) and then went to In-and-Out. I got a whole combo- burger, fries, shake- because I'm a fatty and my roommates just got burgers and water, but whatever. I'd been fantasizing about fries for weeks and it was great to finally get them. Then some old dude came over and started talking to us about his company for a while, interjecting how he'd met a few famous people, and assuring us he wasn't just some 38 year old creeper who was hitting on 16 year olds. 16?! We are not 16, thank you very much. We are college-aged and proud! Well, that night was kind of a bust. Marley even said that after they went back to Spark while I was at work it wasn't great and I didn't miss anything. At work that night, I really only worked for like an hour and a half. We got all of the regular cleaning done, but then Taylor showed up at like 10 and talked to us for an hour about his other job and then took me to do inventory (during which I just stood there while he checked chemicals) and then it was time to go. It was great, and I totally think it made up for getting that stupid ticket last week.
Saturday- The Relief Society activity. Call with Mom. Listen to Madame Bovary for a few hours in my bed. Went to get frozen yogurt with Marley and Karen (who I need to be nicer to. Karen is always so sweet to me, and I don't reciprocate it well). Stake Conference adult meeting (alone). When I got home, the apartment was empty, so I texted and called a couple of people. I thought about going to the Winter Waltz, but I didn't want to go alone. (It turns out that Marley went with Karen and her roommate and they had a grand old time.) It was only 9ish by then, but I knew I wasn't going to end up going anywhere, so I took a shower. Not long after, Sarah came home with a couple of her friends and we all watched a movie together. For some reason I was feeling pretty talkative, so I actually had a good time drinking hot chocolate, eating brownies, and just chillin with everyone. I went to bed pretty content.
Now it's morning and I have to clean up the apartment so some people can come over and let me record them talking to my roommates for a class assignment.
PS I apologize if I offended anyone in my previous post (or any other post for that matter). Sometimes I can be a little too blunt in my writing.
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